Balancing on the Beam of Now
I am in the anticipatory stage of moving out of the apartment I lived in for 7 years, most of that time with my now not living partner and off and on with my adopted grandson, who is now back with his father. I have been living here on my own for 8 months in which I have been developing some mindful practices and adjusting my attention to the present moment. I am getting better at maintaining a balance, not over-planning for the future or forgetting the nuts and bolts logistics that keep my life in the present stable and open to possibilities. I have come from a very dark and chaotic place of isolation and trauma into a relatively calm space in which I am able to manage my feelings as they come up and make plans based on reality not fear of loss or added trauma. I am feeling stronger emotionally and physically than I have in years.
The main reason for this improvement in my way of approaching my life has to do with maintaining balance and paying attention to thoughts and feelings as they arise. Mostly it has to do with remaining attentive to the present moment, responding and engaging rather than reacting and guarding. I have been exercising my whole being so that I can be open and confident with change, which is the constant state of life even at its most stable. So I am both stronger and more flexible, more proactive and less fearful, setting open-ended goals that leave space for developing relationships. Mostly I am learning to hold possessions, feelings, thoughts, and fears more lightly, not rejecting them, but letting them go if I will be able to operate with more ease and engagement with each moment.
I will need structure and flexibility, strength with the honest assessment of weakness, engagement and solitude, activity and calm all these opposites pulling. I will seek the balance in each moment that suits me and keeps me awake and aware, ready for the next moment coming just now.