Tarot Journal #46: XIX The Sun

A Moment in The Sun

I sat in my car lounging with my feet propped on the open driver’s side door in the Trader Joe’s parking lot and crunched sesame crackers and sipped tangerine juice. Watching the people on foot and in their cars as they ambled and mosied along in groups and by themselves, I made up funny sad little stories while the sunshine warmed the asphalt. Then it was time to move along and all the stories dissolved into the summer day and the people and cars moved in the slow dance of a medium-sized city in August.

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Tarot Journal #45: Seven of Swords (futility)/Knight of Disks

The Best Laid Plans

“All theorizing is flight. We must be ruled by the situation itself and this is unutterably particular. Indeed it is something to which we can never get close enough, however hard we may try as it were to crawl under the net.”

Iris Murdoch from Under the Net

There is a danger in waiting for something we know is going to happen that we tinker so much with the anticipated plan and outcome that we may forget to attend to what is happening while we are waiting. The story becomes our life while opportunities for living drift past our distracted senses. This happens almost constantly in my life, I shift from nagging worries to visions of dream futures that will both probably never occur, or if they do they manifest in ways that I couldn’t possibly imagine because I am not paying attention to signs happening in the present that should give me a better indication of what is developing. I am mesmerized by the shadow show produced by me on the screen of my mind into thinking that I can predict the future accurately without attending to the present. It is my storytelling mind projecting images of desire and fear that I am paying attention to while I blindly stumble past myriad emergent circumstances and possible pathways that might mitigate possible problems or provide opportunities for the opening of my life into a truer connection with the world.

We all have a part of us that is continually extending our pasts into the future in a linear narrative based on what caused us pain or gave us pleasure all bound up in words and images like a screenplay for the director in our heads. Meanwhile, life is unfolding in real-time with subtle clues and cues not translatable into words requiring action in the moment. It is so easy to allow ourselves to be led by visions of what might be into the illusion of the future that will never exactly fit what we visualize.

I am not saying that we should not make any plans or dream about our future life, we just have to try to remove fear and reduce the amount of expectation so that we can take each step in getting there in the real world and not a reality constructed in our mind. There are no magic portals to lift us out of now to a place we want to be and that which we fear may never happen. We need to keep our senses open to the present as we arrange the future to the best of our abilities and leave fear and the desire for perfection out of our plans. Life is messy and must be lived one moment at a time. We will know our future when we get there.

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Nightmare Science: Zombie Spider Arcade Claws

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Tarot Journal #44: Six of Disks (success)/ The Lovers/6 of Wands (Victory)/Son of Flames/Ace of Cups (Beauty)/Ten of Swords/XIV Temperence

Approaching the Threshold

My need to be alone is balanced against my fear of what will happen when suddenly I enter the huge empty silence if I cannot find support there. I go up to Heaven and down to Hell in an hour, and keep alive only by imposing upon myself inexorable routines.

I can hardly believe that relief from the anguish of these past months is here to stay, but so far it does feel like a true change of mood — or rather, a change of being where I can stand alone.

May Sarton from Journal of a Solitude

“You may do this, I tell you, it is permitted. Begin again the story of your life.”

 ― JANE HIRSHFIELD

I have been working through a lot of ambivalent thoughts and feelings this week, anticipation and dread along with the feeling that I am stepping over a threshold away from a place where my whole life was either wrapped up in caring for others or lately a life of caring for myself into a blank space that I hope will be a middle ground where I can find some people to connect with without being responsible for supporting their life. I have felt very private in this apartment, like it has been an apart ment, a place to confirm my loss and regenerate, to find a way back to relationships that allow me to be more in a community besides the lovely people I work with. They are all so busy with seemingly complete lives of their own.

I don’t regret any of my experiences over the last 7 years now that I have had a chance to recover from the more traumatic portions. When I was in the middle of the drama, I was so focused on dealing with the next emergency that I had no time to frame the experience into a form that I could use to connect to anything beyond what needed to be attended to, quite often situations involving huge consequences for others. Now, in the last year, there has been only a methodical sorting out of reality from drama and the useful from things to let go of, leading up to moving and forming a new way of approaching the world. After all this solitude and sorting through, I realize that I have almost no regrets, just a feeling of starting from the beginning.

I have come to believe that the way to begin my new journey is to open my heart and put my mind inside my love by remaining attentive and open to each moment as much as possible. If I am guided by love and remain open to the possibilities of each moment then I will allow almost no space for regret to plant its seed.

“For most of us, for almost all of us, truth can be attained, if at all, only in silence. It is in silence that the human spirit touches the divine.”

Iris Murdoch from Under the Net

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Summer Light at Skookumchuck

Posted in capturing light, Check this out, doodles, Found Art, investigations of color, My Art, Puget Sound, Walking | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment