The Question of The Day

Why keep going when it makes no sense, when the pain is all pervasive and inescapable and not the kind that I can take a pill for that leaves me conscious? Why get up in the morning? Why go to bed when I feel like a rotten tooth broken down to the nerve and my mind is a rusty probe digging at it saying:  “Does this hurt?”

Why should I continue with this when I am just stumbling around in the mud doing prat falls over my own viscera? I am of no use to anyone in this condition least of all myself. If there was a way to cease to exist without messing up the world and causing more pain I would be considering it. But, our lives are connected in so many complex ways that anything I do to save me will result in the same pain for someone else. That is the reason,  at least for me at this point, for the continued face plants and endless nights. Right now I can see no hope for improvement. I have to go on. What else is there to do?

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4 Responses to The Question of The Day

  1. I’m sorry you’re struggling. You have to go on, because the world needs you. Look back over the posts you’ve left here, and try to read with a bit of detachment, as though you’re reading about someone else’s life. You’ll see (the way your readers see) a unique person with many gifts, someone who’s made huge contributions in quiet ways.

    There is always light at the end of the tunnel, and when we get to the other side, the view of what we emerged from often looks quite beautiful. It’s going to be true for you, I’m certain of it.

    • randomyriad says:

      I mainly wrote this to pull myself out of my benumbed shock and make some kind of effort to feel something. I think it worked. Soon after I wrote it I had some helpful conversations with friends and loved ones that have given more light in which to work. I will be writing more about it soon. It is the way I process.
      As I reread the post, I realize how far I have come back up the tunnel already. Thanks for the concern and confidence.

  2. Sophia says:

    You wrote the post on Sept. 5. How are you doing now?
    Writing is healing. As we heal ourselves and write about it, we heal others. You do this too. So the world needs writers. It needs poets. Especially now. The world needs you.
    You are not the only one stumbling in the mud. Here in the muck is the fertilizer of life. Flowers grow in shit. Use it to blossom. Push through it up to the light. It’s there. And remember, humbly, that the world will turn with or without you. Best if you’re in it.

  3. randomyriad says:

    At this point there is so much unresolved. I must wait and see how it lands, but I realize there is only life, and life continues in its confusion, full of endings and beginnings that overlap, messy edges that cling by tendrils in all directions. Mostly I am waiting for some steps forward to become clear so I can avoid more stumbles in the short term. I have come a long way into the light. More sleep and less circular thinking would help.

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