I have been pulling myself out of a dark place for the last two years which I fell into after the end of my marriage. I have been depressed and angry for much of that time and behind that there is a looming fear of never figuring out how to trust the handholds on the way up. I have been working so hard to find meaning and reconnect with the wonder that inspired me to start writing this blog. I want to experience everyday miracles and mysteries that make waking up in the morning the beginning of a new journey into the magical world. I am beginning to feel the light and color of adventure come back into my life. So I want to recommit this space to wonder and self-experiments and finding the miraculous in each moment. I do not mean this to be a place of ridiculous optimism where every cloud has a silver lining and lemons are all squeezed and sweetened. I think it is alright to have sour lemons and sometimes clouds are better when they are majestically dark and not lined with shiny metal. I just want to see the world as a place of possibilities again and not just some thing I have to slog through to get to something else I will most likely have to slog through. I am done slogging. I am now looking to renew my belief that life is a strange gift that gives strangely. I know that I can’t expect to receive anything but what I expect. So I will throw my doors wide and move out into this weird and baffling life and try to leave my fear at home. I know the price of living with hurt and fear too well. I will no longer feed them and maybe they will go live somewhere else.
I will be trying to write and create more often as my school and work schedule allows. I just have a more positive outlook when I am able to put some ideas out into the world. Here is what I wrote when I started my blog and I can’t think of how to improve on it as a mission statement. I got blown off course and now that the wind is dying down a bit, I’ll put out my sails and see where it will take me. If you want you can check on where this thing is going from time to time. I am aiming for some places that are not on the map which I misplaced a while ago. Getting lost is the best way to get somewhere you haven’t been anyway, and I am so ready for that.
Good for you! Everything you’ve said here expresses places I’ve been in my life… I am SO pleased to read that you’re coming out of those shadows, seeking the wonder again. I too believe there is beauty in the gloom, though I prefer brighter inspiration. And while it is true that if not for the dark, we would not appreciate the light… sometimes a little less dark would be nice! Keep seeking the marvelous, the beautiful, the amazing, and you will find it…. 🙂
Thanks, I spent my school break changing my living situation. It is definitely an improvement. I am looking forward to getting back to finishing this PTA thing. I can’t believe it has been only less than a month and yet so short a break. I have been so busy.