Tarot Journal #36: Nine of Coins

There is no Resolution without Understanding

Last night I dreamed that an angry vengeful spirit attacked me and the people I was living with. The spirit manifested in human form dressed in a belted tunic or dress with blonde hair tied back severely and a smooth mask in the place of a face. The spirit caused painful wounds and amputations with movements of its hands. We were trying to figure out why the spirit was angry and targeting us as it seemed to be preventing us from leaving the building which was a conglomeration of places I have lived in my life. In the dream part of me was terrified and deeply confused, but underneath a part of me existed in a calm space where I could ponder the behavior of the spirit and the options for responding to its attack. I kept trying different responses to no avail. But, when I awoke, I was mainly curious about the origin of the imagery and the situation of the dream. I was calm and open-minded ready to problem solve.

Pondering this all morning, I am leaning toward the theory that the effects of my tenuous present situation are creating scenarios where I have no control over the actions of other beings and no way of truly understanding all the violent and disturbing hurtful behavior people impose on each other, which could most likely be applied to any time in my life. Maybe buried under years of repressed feelings, I have a deep pool of self-resentment for past ineptitude and mistaken motivations combined with a fear of lack of control. I have been letting go of a lot of my past lately, maybe I need to pay attention to the places in me that need some compassion and healing before I can let them go safely. The spirit seemed a lot like an angry toddler: it is very difficult to make sense of its behavior in a logical context. It seemed to be holding me close out of a need for someone to be present, but also emanating a feeling of raging resentment, inflicting pain in reaction to fear and pain and desire for control.

I have had similar reactions in my life, especially during the very painful process of separating from my now ex-wife. I did not physically hurt anyone, but there was a lot of emotional damage to myself and others occurring due to my inability to deal with all the strong emotions that overwhelmed me. Most of the response to my pain and fear in that situation reflected back on me in a vicious cycle of reproach and resentment that I barely survived and still can sneak up on me if I am not paying attention to my internal chatter. I am now consciously trying to open channels of communication internally so I can monitor these feelings as they come up and be proactive about soothing any inner turmoil that may be brewing. Maybe this dream is a strategy for communicating with myself. I will assume it is and stay vigilant for ways to resolve the fears and resentments that continue to rise from the deeper layers of emotional sediment built up over a long life of burying hard-to-handle feelings.

How does this relate to the Nine of Coins?

This card is about opening pathways to contentment and real abundance. I can think of no way of doing that without resolving deeply buried fears and resentments that block meaningful interaction with other people and the world. I will not be able to completely open my heart and mind to my present situation if I am continually distracted, misdirected and destabilized by demons created by my lack of attention.

The only solution seems to be fearless attention and open curiosity even in the face of the ever-present, terrifying and complex situations and confounding behaviors that I have no way to avoid or control. I have a feeling I will be working on this for the rest of my life.

This entry was posted in All part of the process, banality of evil, Being Human, change, Chaos and Order, dangerous creatures, delusions of progress, developing relationships, discovery and recovery, Dreamtime, Fools Journey, Loss and Leaving, mindworks, my life, my mystic toolbox, paying attention, Questions and riddles, Self-Experiments, thinking in words, visions from the dark side, Works in Progress and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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