The last 10 years of my life seems to consist of regaining my equilibrium while overcoming brutal shock after brutal shock. After each shock there is a period of stunned sleepwalking just to continue moving into the next day. I felt too brittle and exposed, vulnerable to even the smallest threats to pay close attention to what was going on beyond my immediate experience. I have not experienced any violence, and many of the negative shocks occurred because I was not confronting challenges proactively or just had no emotional energy beyond getting through each day.

For the last year I have been putting my attention into waking up to life beyond just getting through each day. I am realizing that in order to bring positive energy and experiences into my life, I have to do my part in bringing them about. So I am trying to live with more courage and intention. Difficult things continue to come up along with anxiety, but since I have been taking things on with my own initiative these have been small easy to deal with annoyances. I still have grief and moments of regret for missed opportunities. They are reminders to keep engaging. My regrets are almost all due to lack of engagement with people I interact with every day. Engaged thoughtfully, grief is beginning to be manageable and is now mostly finding ways to remind myself that each person or lost relationship that I am grieving is already integrated into who I am and they will be coming with me as I go forward. I just have to bring them along and pay more attention to the present and possible futures and obsess less about visions of lost opportunities. Of course this is a process that has taken years and continues up to each moment from now on.

Every day I try to keep my full attention to relationships and the possible impact of my actions or inactions in each moment to avoid being knocked for a loop time after time. As long as I live I will continue to struggle with distraction and the drowsy dream of denial. I must continually be opening my heart and mind to the world to live well. The time for waking is always now and now again until the end.

“It is not our job to remain whole.
We came to lose our leaves
Like the trees, and be born again,
Drawing up from the great roots.” 

— Robert Bly

Carrying Berta

We negotiated our relationship

So carefully navigating each boundary,

that we overlapped without realizing.

After the shell of her life fell away

I tried to carry it with me

so I would not lose her.

As the burden grew to heavy,

bit by bit,

I dropped each piece.

Finally, I know

I don’t have to carry her

as long as I carry myself.