Beginning a New Year: Three Dreams and A Poem

 

1/2/2012

Part I

Dream Conversation:

“Someone who was really good with candles,” the round headed man said trying to convince me that he had no agenda. Sly sideways glances told me he was after something he didn’t want me to know about.

“The room is really bright and warm, and he can use energy to heal sickness and locate objects, raise the dead . . .” he said the last three words with peculiar emphasis.

“Oh, you don’t want to mess with that,” I said. “Don’t you remember the monkey’s paw. You would only want to use that on someone you didn’t like, someone you wanted information from.”

 

II

I am a caretaker at a college. I sleep in my office. I look around for a pair of blue jeans, but all I can find are a strange pair of pleather pants or bright blue plastic rain pants. Later, I am breaking down some cardboard boxes while skateboarders practice on the other side of a thin brick wall.

 

Poem:

To Do List

Desire toward fulfillment

And purple dye

Drop all pretense

Make obsessions that work

Dump run

 

1/3/12

I am backing a car out of a space in a twilight parking lot full of cars made in the sixties and seventies. I maneuver it out delicately out of a tight space and put on the brake which only makes the car back faster through the parking lot. I steer as well as I can twisting my neck and leaning over the bench seat. Finally, I guide it to a space with a chain link fence at the back which stops the car. All this is done without any panic or much thought on my part. I was just along for the ride.

It is as if my life is taking me somewhere. I can make adjustments, but I have to steer in reverse and avoid all the obstacles. I can only stop if I am able to find a barrier to run into. So I only a little control if I work really hard I may avoid smashing into something that matters. For now I have found a space, which are pretty much all the same. Some are in the middle where a few cars move nosing about for a space to park, or maybe trying to find the exit. For now I have a nice space out of the way facing the middle where I can see what little action is taking place. I would just like to figure out how to get this thing moving forward sometime soon. But, maybe that is just relative. All movement is just motion; position and direction are irrelevant. Where is that exit anyway?

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Dream Movie Poem

BioPic I

Part I

Back to that Patagonian river land,

Where memory starts,

Out of whole, I am cut,

Severed from flow

In flash frames frozen,

Out of Internal

 and external streams.

Intertwined and confused,

Fused chimera scenes

Carved and lit at

Extreme angles.

Grotesquely skewed shadows

Warp the installations on the set.

I watch myself in some of the scenes

I am haunting myself.

Separated from birth

By inches at a time,

My body automaton

Roams the world

While the other watches

Frantically trying to

Find the controls.

How do I sleep this body?

How do I complete this connection?

Soldering iron or splicing tape?

Part II

A young man broods

Slumped in a small stuffed chair

Head tilted back, exhausted,

berated by The old man

who accuses him of being a spy

For an opposing team,

While the tables are arranged

for the evening event.

I am not invited.

“Is that all you needed?”

I will work here, but not socialize,

Remembering all that is said and done

Under the sunlit canopy until the stars

Appear one by one.

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The Last 1001 Days: Reviewing My 101 in 1001 List

Now that I have finished my anatomy and physiology class, I think I will get back to writing about non-human body part subjects, although they are bound to come up now and again since I crammed so much about it into my brain. I thought I would start by reviewing my 101 in 1001 list and see what effects it has had on my life. As I look down the list there are only a few items on it that I accomplished that I wouldn’t have done if they weren’t on the list. I would not have watched those movies in Spanish. Some of the ones I didn’t complete make me think more about how my personality and life circumstances control what I focus my energy on. There is nothing on the list about studying anatomy and physiology or commuting 120 miles a day for 8 months. This list took shape when my life was shaped in a certain way: my life made several major transformations since then and many of the goals kind of fell out of relevance as the situations changed.

I joined a writing group, which really focused my attention on making my writing clearer and more engaging for a broader audience. That was on my list as were a lot of writing goals that did not happen for a lot of reasons mainly a commuting job, illness and lack of motivation. There are some goals that did not happen in the 1001 days that I will chose to continue because they reflect my passions and interests. Many of the writing goals remain though without deadlines at this point.

I, have once and for all, figured out that I am an mostly an introvert most of the items on the list that involve social situations are there to see if I could motivate myself to be more socially oriented, but I am what I am, a person who is able to go out and do tasks in the social realm, but mostly has to have time alone to process and energize. I accomplished some of my social goals, but that did not have much effect on my attitude and comfort level in social situations.

I had several items about moving around using my own power. There  were two items the list inspired me to complete, walking 1001 miles and getting to work by alternative means, but, I was unable to get the bicycling thing together. That was on my list because before I had children and learned how to drive a car at 25, I got around on my bicycle. I easily rode several thousand miles a year for about 5 years. Then, suddenly I had a job, college, and children and almost no time in between to peddle from task to task. So bicycling faded from my life. I wanted to see if I could fit it back in. I am not ready to give up on it, now that we have some money I am going to get my bicycle fixed and ride it. I think it will definitely go on my next more thoughtful list of things to do.

The list has had very little impact on the way I lived over the last 3 years. My employment or unemployment, Mary going through nursing school,  where I live, and my health have had a lot more impact on my choices of activities, but I think one thing the list has done is clarify my focus on what is really important to me by seeing what I have actually kept track of over the 1001 days. I rarely thought of playing the piano and studying Spanish. These may come back into focus for me at some time. But I really did not have the time or motivation for them in the last three years. I would still love to study Spanish and piano, but I don’t think they will make my must do list in the near future.

I would like to find situations in which I have a few close friends, a job that pays well that I enjoy, and a lot of time to explore art in many forms. But, I don’t think a list is going to get me there. I am working on a shorter list of goals that I will add some of my incomplete goals from this list, but mostly I will just feel my way through life sorting my inspirations and events as they come. Lists are like maps, they help me to see where I could go and where I could put my energy. A list won’t be able to predict where I will actually end up. Maybe I will end up in some uncharted realm of monsters and myth, or maybe it will be a few steps from where I am now. I know it will not be a list that gets me there.

 

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Excavation

ink and graphite on cardstock

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Ink and Time on Paper

 

The Dynamic Flow of Objects

ball point on card stock

 

Ruins Overgrown

ball point on paper

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