River of Dreams #19: Motel Thoughts and Dreams

V

A Night in the Motel


When she got around the corner, Essie took off her shoes and ran silently just outside the slashes and pools of light that came through from the highway.  The Motel was one block up and two over. She sprinted across the street seeing no sign of her pursuer, and made it into the alley behind strip mall on the corner. She worried about stepping on glass or sharp metal, but kept moving through the darkness. She made it to the next street, and slowing a little to check for cars, scooted across the street. She quickly crossed the Motel parking lot and slipped into her room, locking the door as she closed it.

It was a small uninspiring room with a bad painting of cannery row on the wall over the bed. The colors were all wrong.

Essie was suddenly struck by how tired she felt. She undressed quickly and dug through her backpack for her nightshirt, an oversized flannel work shirt, found it and put it on. Flopping on the bed, she grabbed the TV remote and flipped channels for a while. She finally gave up; Saturday night TV sucked. She did not have any books to read so she switched out the light and thought about things, about Random and how she hated to leave him. She thought of the wolf. She was almost certain it would not hurt her. She panicked at the strangeness of its golden eyes. She knew the wolf carried a message she was not yet ready to receive, and so she escaped into Maddie’s house.

Essie’s thoughts drifted to her life, and how hard it had been for her and Random these last months. They had both felt stifled and unable to find a path that included their relationship. They were from two different worlds. He didn’t understand what she needed sometimes. She wanted to move to a cheaper place and take things slower, live a little more and spend less time working. He wanted to finish his studies and work enough to keep the apartment in the city, which meant Essie had to work more too. She had felt her soul, the spirit of her youth fading into her work. Then the dream of the turtle came and told her of the farm. She did not know why she must find the farm, but it had to do with waking something up. She had a vague idea of vast spans of time as She drifted off to sleep thinking of the farm she had never seen and golden eyes shining in the dark.

Essie sat on a long beach of fine white sand. A huge mountain loomed behind her. She watched the sun set over a completely still ocean. There were no waves. A breeze came from over the water making her cold. She huddled tighter down into the sand and began to sink. She struggled wildly, but the sand was so fine it was like a gritty cloud that she fell through. Suddenly, in the flurry of sand and movement, her flailing hand grabbed hold of another hand, which gripped and pulled. She came up looking into Random’s lovely calm face.

“There you are I’ve been looking for you,” he said grinning broadly.

As Essie looked into his gray green eyes, a feeling of panic came over her. She knew they must get into the city before the sunset or the gates would be locked forever.

“We must go now, to the ceety. We must run or the gates weel close,” she yelled over a roaring sound of waves, which had resumed their relentless pounding of beach.

Essie grabbed his hand and pulled him as they ran. They reached the city and slipped in as the gates closed, clanging and reverberating like a tremendous gong.

As she dragged him through the maze-like streets, Essie could see the wolf gaining on them. The wolf was a messenger, and the message was what she feared. The wolf had almost overtaken them when they came to a doorway with the symbol of a black bird in flight above it. She frantically pushed the door. It opened so easily they fell inside, Random on top of her. He was kissing her and taking her clothes off. Essie was wrapped in his body.

“Stop!” she yelled. Angry and frightened Essie struggled desperately. “You don’t understand! We must get to the end of the hall.”

But he would not stop and Essie could not resist. She had to respond to the contact of his skin against hers. She felt her body explode into fire on the sandy floor. With her last sliver of composure she pulled herself free of Random’s embrace and staggered, gasping down the hallway. At the end was a pool of water covered in lily pads. She stumbled to the edge and tumbled into the cool water.

Essie woke drenched in sweat. Groggily she glanced at the clock. It said 7:16. She gathered some clothes and went into the bathroom to take a cool shower.

As she stood the water falling on her cooling body, Essie thought of the dream. The fact that the wolf pursued her in her dreams and in the waking world left a numb little seed of terror just under the surface of her thoughts. Memories from childhood came slowly sifting through. She began to remember vague pieces of stories and words. “Tegethnot” echoed in her mind’s ear, and stories of how the beings that dwell there have powers to reach out into the waking dream of life. The stories of the old indian woman that lived next to her mother’s house on the edge of jungle, were full of turtle, wolf, the black bird of night, and the monkey people who taught humans how to speak the language of the jungle and the water people.

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River of Dreams #18: A Night Visitor

III

Essie Leaves a Message


 

“Wow! This is pretty Kick Ass!” Maddie burst out tossing the bat on the sofa and flopping down next to it so she landed in a perfect lounging position hands behind her head. “What brings ya to this part of the world anyway?”

Essie smiled in spite of her deeply anxious feeling.

“I, too, had a dream. I had to find a farm that was a school and I had to find eet on my own. Eet was a turtle that tol’ me thees.”

“Wow! And I thought my dreams were weird. But, I know a woman that runs a farm up in the hills that used to be a hippie boarding school.”

“Yes! Dat ees why I come here!” Essie’s voice gained urgency and hope. “I hear my fren’ talk of thees place before, on Highway 9.”

“I don’t know xactly where it is, but we should be able to call. It’s like Eagle sumptin’ farm or ranch. I’ll get a phone book.”

Maddie immediately went about on a high velocity search of shelves and end tables which were all cluttered with various papers, beer and soda cans, pizza boxes, and dirty dishes.

“Here it is!” Maddie yelled. She held up a thin phone book and jumped over the couch landing in a sitting position already leafing through it.

“E, e, e, a, g. Here she is Eagle Tree Ranch. You wanna call. There’s the phone.” She held up the phone book and pointed to the phone.

Essie dialed carefully looking at the number. It rang several times and then came the message machine. Essie asked Maddie for her number and Maddie wrote it on a scrap of paper and handed to Essie.

“I hope eet was OK to leave, dees number. I dint know the number for the motel.”

“Oh yeah, I’ll take the calls tomorrow, but you’ll have to come back here in the morning. Maybe we can drive out there tomorrow.”

“I haf no car. I heech hiked here.” Essiee shrugged, “Eet ees far, dis place?”

“About 5 or 10 miles I guess. Like I said I been there once on a field trip when I was in 6th grade, and I know the ranch chick from some stuff she did at our school a cupla years ago. I think her name is Emmajean or sumptin like that. Walkin’ would be hard it’s all uphill, and I know there is no sign on the highway for the ranch. It’s off on some dirt and gravel thing way the hell outen the middle of nowhere.”

Essie smiled in spite of the bad news. Maddie was like an electrical outlet charging Essie low batteries.

After getting to know each other a little, Maddie and Essie played a game of gin rummy for peanut MnMs that Essie had in her bag and talked aimlessly about life and this and that. Essie let Maddie win most of the MnMs.

“Well, I should be on my way, now,” Essie said at about 9:30, picking up her bag and moving toward the door.

“Yeah, you must be beat, bein’ on the road and all.”

“You are one sweet keed. Tanks for letting me een. Eeseet OK eef I come by tomorrow and take you out for a burger or somethin’,”

“That would be super di fuckin’ duper. I got nuthin’ to do on Sunday. Debbie hangs out all day watchin’ football and drinkin’ beer. Matt’ll probly be here too, and what a loada’ thrills that is.” Maddie rolled her eyes.

Essie gave her a little hug at the door.

Maddie received it stiffly at first and latched on a little. Essie smiled and peeled away.

“Oh yeah you gotta come back to get your message anyway. Maybe I can help ya find the place, or drum up a ride. Ya’ know you could always stay here. Debbie would hardly even notice.”

Essie smiled a little again. “No, but tank you anyway, I’ll sleep bedder at de motel once I get in and seddled.”

“Go quick. Oh you should go out the back that way if whoever is followin’ you won’t know you’re gone.”

Maddie showed her to the back door, and Essie disappeared into the night without looking back.

Maddie stood and listened, but could not even hear Essie’s footsteps. She went out front and stood on the porch peering out into the dark. She thought she caught the reflection of a light down the street in two amber eyes. They winked out and were gone without a sound. Maddie shivered a little, stepped back in and locked the door. She turned the TV on and flipped channels for a while gave up and went to find her schoolbooks. Debbie’d have a conniption sure if she didn’t have her homework started.

IV

A Message From the Black Bird


Maddie lifted her head off of her science book that lay open on the coffee table as her mother unlocked the front door.

“Hey, sweetie, why aren’t you in bed,” Debbie said as she came with a bag of something from work.”

“Doin’ homework . . . I musta fallen asleep a little.”

“Well its one a.m. and time for bed. Get up there baby and don’t forget to brush your teeth.” Debbie walked over and gave her a pat on the back.

“Alright,” Maddie agreed sleepily and shuffled with half closed eyes to the stairs and up slowly.

“Ganight, princess,” Debbie said and got no answer.

Debbie went to the door and waved to a man sitting in a pick-up parked on the curb out front. He got out carrying a bag full of bottles. He came in as she was getting glasses from the cupboard. He grabbed a piece of her butt as she stretched up for the glasses.

“Now you cut that out, Matt. You’ll make me drop these and she’ll hear us. You know that ruins it for me.”

“Sorry Hon, you jus’ get me all hot and bothered. I jus’ can’t wait.”

“Well, you won’t hafta wait much longer. Jus’ let me get in there and get these clothes off.”

“Now, thas what I liketa hear,” Matt growled and followed her into the bedroom.

Maddie fell into her bed after running a toothbrush over her teeth, more ritual than cleaning. She was asleep before she could cover herself.

The dream came immediately. She was standing in a big field of long dry yellow grass in the distance were oak and scrub bordering the field in all directions and low hills beyond. The grass was tall all around her with no hint of how she had come to this spot. She gazed into the distance and saw a black speck in the gray sky growing larger and taking on a shape. It was a black bird and it came swiftly. She could see it was very large like a raven only larger.  It circled around her and flew in a straight line away. Maddie followed trying to keep it in sight. She finally came to the edge of the field, and there was the bird perched on a fence post turning its amber eye to her and croaking.  On the other side of the fence was a broad meadow of low green grass. A huge ancient tree twisted low and massive in the middle, its roots like tremendous wooden serpents writhing in and out of the ground around the tree. On the bluff at the far end of the field a yellow house perched. Maddie looked back to where the black bird had been. There was nothing but a cloud of dark mist.  A croaking echo came from inside the cloud, “Tegethnot, tegethnot . . . “ Over and over fading with the dream as the mist dissipated in a breath of breeze.

Maddie woke a little, crawling under the covers, and settled in for the night.

 

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River of Dreams #17: A Small Town on The Highway

Part III

Finding The Ranch

 

I

Saturday Afternoon at The Drifter’s Reef

 

Maddie Bolter skipped down the sidewalk. Every now and then she did a little shuffle slide to avoid people who eyed her nervously, Dressed in baggy army green pants, a plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves cut off at the shoulders, fluorescent green canvas high top basketball shoes and a baseball cap backwards, Maddie was 15 and all attitude. Wherever she went Maddie made as good an impression as a punk band in a nursing home. There was nothing bad about Maddie– she just didn’t vibrate on the same frequency as any other person in the known universe. She didn’t march to the beat of a different drummer: there were no drummers that could go where Maddie marched at least none had survived the audition.

She slid on into the Drifters Reef just off of the seedy strip that was the main drag in Weston, California, a little speck of a town with a little lowball casino, a couple of bars, two cheap motels, a grocery store, and a few fast food places.

“Hey girl! Whatchoo doin’ this fine day? You lookin’ off the charts,” Reggie the bouncer, all muscle and easy slouch, addressed her with a nod and a smile.

“Jus’ looking for Debbie. She make it in today?”

“That is yo’ Momma you talkin’ ‘bout, right? You oughta call her momma or my mom or somethin’ seems like.”

“Is she here?” Maddie said with a little edge. “My Mom that is,” she corrected at Reggie’s look of disapproval.

“I’ll get her. You know you not supposed to be in there unless you aged since last I seen ya.”

“Yeh, now I’m 21 so you gotta let me in right?”

“ I’ll get her. You wait out here with the rest of the jail bate.”

Maddie stuck her tongue out at him and crossed her eyes and then spread a wide fake smile.

“Some day I’m o take a picture of that face,” he said walking away into the bar. “Then you be sorry.”

Maddie paced a little in the entryway next to the phones and newspaper rack.

“I thought I told you not to come ‘round here. You know Marty don’t like it when I leave the table, and he don’t like kids ‘round neither.” Her mother moved out of the dark bar, thin and chesty with bleached blonde bangs. She talked fast and twangy.

“I’m sorry if my life interferes with your job, Debbie. But, a girl’s gotta eat, and there is nothing at home but cookies and beer. I need twenty to shop for a coupla days.”

“I’m sorry honey. Momma’s been busy. Here go get some stuff.” Debbie’s tone changed to apologetic as she pulled a bill out of her pocket, handed it to Maddie then snatching it back, said parentally, “ But, don’t go gettin’ no junk. No sodas or candy. Jes sandwich stuff. I don’t like you cookin’ when I’m not there.”

“I am fifteen, an’ I cook better’an you anyway.” Maddie grabbed the twenty and ran. “See ya later.”

“I leftya a note. You better read it!” Debbie called after her.

“I will if I can,” Maddie shouted back without turning.

Her mom followed her down the street with her eyes. Her face tightened a little, shaking her head as she turned and took a slow breath.

“That girl is a firecracker,” Reggie said smiling paternally as Debbie passed him on her way back to her table.

“Yeh, she’s gonna set the world on fire, she don’t look out,” she said over her shoulder.


II

The Straw Groom


“Have to get him ready for the wedding,” Maddie said to the two dancing cherubs who flew around her head. Their wings made a musical buzz like quietly trilling flutes. She was trying to stuff a straw effigy that was about a foot long into a small tuxedo. She had the top all set, jacket, shirt, cummerbund and bow tie with a top hat on its head. She was trying to get the pants on. They kept sticking on the ends of the straw that protruded on the sides of the legs.

“For chrisake, how in the goddam fucking hell do they expect me to get these stupid goddam pants on these sticky legs.”

Maddie’s head popped up from the arm of the sofa. The house was dark and there was a rapping sound. She got up and turned on a lamp by the couch where she had been dozing. She stretched on her way to the door and peeked through the little hole.

“Who izit?” she said with a little irritation.

She saw a short woman with a golden brown face and long black hair.

“You don’ know me, but Iyam staying at the motel. Someone ees following me. Could I please come een for a meenute, ?” The woman said with a little panic but mostly under control.

Maddie thought for a second, and quickly went to get the softball bat leaning against the wall just inside her mother’s bedroom. She came back and opened the door just wide enough to allow the small woman to squeeze in.

“Tank you, Iyam bery escared. I dint want to go back to my room alone.”

“Whose after ya?” Maddie asked still holding the bat like she could use it.

“I coon’ see bery well,” She said shivering a little, “eeteez dark, but I could hear hees footsteps behind me.”

“What makes you think you’ll be safe in here?” Maddie asked relaxing a little, but still holding the bat with ready hands.

“I don’ know eet was the firs house I came to on my way back from the store.”

Maddie noticed the little bag the woman was carrying and relaxed a little more.

“Come on in, Don’t worry about nuthin’. We’ll beat em’ senseless with old Baba O here if they poke there head in,” Maddie said as she leaped up on a chair by the door and swung away at an imaginary intruder.

A small nervous giggle bubbled up behind the woman’s closed mouth smile.

“Tha names Maddie B.” she leaped down and holding the bat over her shoulder extended her free hand.

“Esmeralda,” said the woman, “But everyone calls me Essie.”

“Well Essie it is. This is my mom’s dump, but she’s off working at the casino at this very moment. So you are free to stay for a while.”

“Tank you, I tink in about feefteen minutes I weel try to go.”

“I was jus’ havin’ the strangest dream. Sumptin’ about trying to dress up a little straw doll in a tuxedo so he could get married tomorrow.”

“Hmm, dat ees bery strange.”

“The funny thing was, I felt like it wasn’t really my dream.”

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River of Dreams #16: Two Doors Into Morning

Chapter 4 (continued)

Essie looked around at Random who sat on the bench. He saw the question in her face. “Are you ready?” He nodded.  Essie opened the door the color of blood long ago dried. Random followed Essie. Outside a path ran to a tunnel that went into the city wall. They had to crawl through the tunnel. Essie led the way. They crawled in the darkness toward a circle of light. At the end was a small opening just big enough for Essie to squeeze through.

“I can’t fit through,” Random moaned. Only His head came through the opening. “My shoulders are too wide.”

“You weel have to go around and walk along de wall oonteel you come to me here.”

“But that will take hours,” Random sighed, despair and worry creeping into his voice.

“Go I weel wait here as long as eet takes. We have to get to the tree together or eet weel be useless.” She kissed his lips and pushed the top of his head to encourage him. Random thought of the miasma of the city. Would he ever be able to navigate that maze on his own?

“I can do it for her, and I will,” he thought as he headed back down the tunnel after a tangled time turning around.

The tunnel seemed to be longer coming back. Finally he came to what felt like a door made of rough wood. He panicked. He did not remember any door on the inside of the wall. How did this get here? His mind raced for answers, but then he simply pushed on the door and it opened into the dark. He fell in, on and on into the darkness, until he landed into his waking body on the couch.

 


Steve and Lin lay asleep on his bed lit by the early sun through the blinds. The dream was still vivid in his mind as if he was reliving it. The thought of Essie waiting by the wall stabbed him through. He could not bear it, and he wept softly. He felt like he had been in the wilderness for days, but his body and clothes showed no signs of wear or dirt. He shuffled sadly in to take a shower.

The hot water brought some of his life back. Now he was ravenous. He went to kitchen and made a 5 egg omelets with lots of cheese and ham and 3 pieces of toast and drank several glasses of orange juice as he ate. When he was done he staggered back to the couch, lay down and immediately fell asleep.

He woke up 2 hours later, and made coffee. Finally Steve and Lin woke up and drifted in to the kitchen where Random sat hunched over a mug.

“You look like your pondering the eternal questions and coming up with 43.” Steve said with compassion and patted him on the shoulder.

“I am dreaming the weirdest shit these days. Like epic fantasy and horror.” Random stretched and took another sip of coffee. He told Steve brief versions of the dreams of the last two nights.

“They all seem so real too. I wake up feeling like I’ve lived through something.”

“I don’t know. It seems like maybe this break up is getting to you more than you realize,” Steve said.

“I am still not sure how I feel about it. I know we were both thinking about moving on.”

“Eleven years is a lot just to push aside in 2 or 3 days. You have to figure out what it means to you and what you’re going to do about it.” Steve impulsively mussed Random’s frizzy hair, “Meanwhile, do you still want to roam the North Bay today. Lin and I could scoot back across the water and leave you to your pondering.”

“No, I don’t think brooding around here on my own will help.” Random felt the effects of the dreams fading in the face of Steve’s monumental good humor. Lin was rustling up some eggs and toast for them. Random decided to call the Eagle Ranch number.

He went over and throwing himself on the couch, picked up the phone from its stand and dialed. It rang a couple times and message came on:

“You have reached the Eagle Tree Ranch, we are unable to come to the phone right now as we are probably tending to ranch business. So leave a message and one of us will call you at our convenience.”

The voice was so familiar but he could not place it. He left his name and a little message about attending the Farm School and wanting to just see how it had changed and left his number thinking he had sounded like some weird place stalker.

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River of Dreams #15: Navagating in the Dream City

Chapter 4

The City at Sunrise

“You have done well, my love.” Essie did not look at him, but continued to face the roaring surf. Random could just hear her words over the sound of the waves.

“Why didn’t you wait for me?” He pleaded in exhaustion.

“I have been your guide here. We cannot talk here my love we must go eento the city to a place I know.” She spoke flatly and her voice faded in and out of the waves hiss a weak radio station through static.

She rose and walked steadily down the beach. Random struggled in the soft sand trying to step in her tiny footprints, to glide as she did without success.

In the distance the golden brown walls of a great city glowed in the sun’s crescent that had just begun to rise over the glistening waters beyond the breakers.

As they walked the light around them strengthened and shadows stretched toward the immense arched gate, golden doors thrown back the light catching warmly on the raised figures of fantastic animals and people dressed in flowing robe swimming in a broad river. Random barely had a moment to gaze in awe at the fine metal work at the hinges the size and shape of muscular giants whose arms held the door, but hurry on he must as Essie passed them without a side glance, moving with a steady pace as if she were familiar with her surroundings and had no time to waste.

Random staggered, exhausted through the narrow, rock-strewn, maze of the ancient city. Essie walked ahead, carefully avoiding the piles of dung and puddles of scum covered mud. Random missed most of it by luck, but every now and then his foot landed in either mud or dung. As they made their way through the confusion of carts, horses, people in robes, hooded and chanting gently, clamoring children, sad mangy dogs and a diversity of fowl and chicks pecking at the spaces between the road bricks. An old raggedy woman sidled along calling, “Stones and bones! Stones and bones for your fortune.” Whirling motes of dust twisted down unpaved alleys. Stale and disturbing smells and sounds assaulted him.

Essie stopped at a corner and waited for Random to catch up.

“Show me the map. I tink we are close,” she said as she held out her hand impatiently. Random shrugged a small pack off of his back and dug around inside, and produced a frayed and tattered square of paper. He unfolded it. It was covered with patches of bright color and a grid of lines. Essie studied the map, every now and then looking up to confirm something. She turned toward and got the attention of a young woman with a baby strapped to her back. They spoke in a language Random had never heard before. The woman pointed across the intersection and made a few quick gestures, but said very little.

“Deesway,” Essie said handing him back the map and pointing into a maze of alleys.

She immediately crossed the street, while Random struggled to fold the map, stash it and get the pack up on his shoulders as he started to follow her.

A group of burly youths came romping up pushing and jostling like puppies. They were dressed hooded shirts and loose pants covered in bright yellow, purple, and deep blue in complex web designs. Large curved knives glimmered at their sides tucked into thin leather straps. They pushed past Random almost pushing into the rough red brick wall that enclosed the alley. They obviously found Random amusing as a couple of them turned and smiled making comments to a companion, laughing as they bounced into the distance.

Essie led Random zigzagging through the maze of alleys for a while. Just when Random was about to ask for a minute to rest, she stopped at a doorway. On the arch above was carved a crescent over a pine tree.

Dees ees de place!” she said with a smile.

“Oh, good. I was thinking I would have to collapse out here in the street,” Random responded his spirits lifting a little.

She pushed through the door, Random close behind. Essie quickly strode across a courtyard, which was littered with pieces of scrap wood and tall deep shelves filled with jars, large polished stones, and boxes of various sizes. There were also many barrels upright and fallen haphazardly scattered about. Random scurried behind Essie at a nervous trot. A large dog with a head the size of a lion’s dozed in a patch of sun. It was chained to a post that did not look as if it would hold such a beast, but the dog took no notice of them.

Essie started to push through the door on the other side of the courtyard when Random grabbed her wrist.

“Shouldn’t we knock or something? It’s not like they know we are coming.”

“dey knew we were coming before we deed.” She smiled and touched his cheek tenderly.

He shook his head doubtfully.

On the other side of the door there was a long hall with many closed doors on either side. At the end of the hall they could see a doorway and a ways further a deep red brown wall with the patterns of sunlight reflecting off of water glimmered in ringed and shifting patterns.

He followed Essie quickly down the hall.

In center of the room was a square pool on which lily pads floated. In the middle sat a turtle the size of a manhole cover, its head was tilted up into the sunlight. Its eyes were closed.

Random flopped down on a bench carved with ornate figures of cats and snakes and fish all intertwined in a dark red wood with swirling grain.

“Ahhhh. . . “ the turtle groaned, “My children you have come just in time.”

The turtle spoke each word like a complete thought with force and clarity. Random’s entire mind snapped to attention, the fog cleared out. Everything seemed clear and bright. Essie sat cross-legged in front of the turtle.

“Yes, Random deeid well, but eet was a lot to ask of such a youth.”

The turtle nodded, “We must all do what we can. You have both done well, but now I must lead you to the Prozantia, the great tree at the center of world so you can wake the ancient sleeper.”

“I know we must, but I am not sure why, oh wise one.”

“He is the only one who knows. We must trust in old knowledge to make the new way.”

“Yes, you are right, ancient one.”

“I saw the great tree,” Random interjected softly, “It filled the valley on the other side of the mountain I climbed.”

“Hmm,” the turtle adjusted his head slightly in Random’s direction, “To see the great tree takes a lot of desire and courage, but to get to it you will have to be patient and come to the edge of your hope and will.”

Essie turned back toward him, “You weel try with me, no?”

“Of course, anything with you,” he answered, “I am sorry I gave up on you. I didn’t know how to stay with you.”

“I left you, sweety,” She said through forming tears, “Eet was I who gave up on you. I am sorry, too, but we are together now. Let us not geev up on each other again, OK?”

“OK,” as Random answered a great golden swell of warm love welled up from in him. He felt like the passion was gone only love came out from inside like a soft shining.

“You are ready, my children,” the turtle bowed his head. “Go out the door and follow the path to the tree. You will find it now.”

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