Writing Myself Up From Way Down Here

Posted on May 23, 2010 by randomyriad

I am in a weird space these days. I come here every now and then. It is a space where my dreams don’t make sense and nothing I do or think about inspires me, where my life seems like a big annoying bully that keeps pulling my pants down and laughing. Why do I come here anyway? Basically I have nowhere else to go and no fuel for my vehicle. I am stuck in Lodi without a bus ticket, but I am writing again and that helps, even when I write this self-absorbed drivel. Just the act of putting something out there that seems like it has me as part of it, that will thankfully be ignored by the vast lucky majority of human beings, is somehow good for me. There already I am feeling a bit better.

I have a job that I like, but is not very stable and drives my wife crazy with its flaky way of paying me. I really would like to find another job, but have you looked for a job lately? My landlady (a well-meaning, clueless miserly woman; she probably has her reasons) came by today and gave us a month moving notice, even though we are very conscientious tenants. But, since she was lucky enough to inherit property, we live here and give her our money at her leisure. I told her our situation, Mary in school and me with my measly job, and that in August when Mary is working again we could find a place. I think I was able to get her to back off a little. We are taking no chances and are looking for a storage and trying to figure out where we could find a place that would rent to us at our income level. Mary has school to finish and a big test in July for her RN license, and then she has to get a job. She is already applying, but hasn’t heard back from anyone yet. She is under a lot of stress, which also sucks the serenity out of my life. Still I go to work and cope and come home and try to write and, most days, fail. Ideas have a hard time working their way through the groggy, edgy place that is my sleep deprived brain. I don’t sleep well when I am in these situations. Maybe if I write I can sleep. This is actually helping and I know I should do it more often, even though a post like this is likely to bore the hell out of most people. This is my place and it helps me;  so here it is. This is where I am now. I hope to be moving soon into more plush accomadations that have a better view, but I will have to climb a bit to get there.

Posted in can't really complain but, discovery and recovery, Family, House and home, internal landscape, thinking in words, visions from the dark side, whereever you go there you are, working world | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments

English is a Funny Language

Posted on April 28, 2010 by randomyriad
Cover of "The Magic Christian"

Cover of The Magic Christian

“You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.”        Laurel and Hardy

I came across this quote and laughed. It still strikes me as hilarious, though I am not sure why.

Last night my wife was looking for her bodkin, a sewing tool, and I thought of Hamlet’s “bare bodkin” which led naturally to the scene in the movie the Magic Christian in which Laurence Harvey as Hamlet strips giving the “to be or not to be” soliloquy (If you haven’t seen the Magic Christian then you haven’t seen Yul Brenner in drag, or Ringo Starr doing facial exercises either).

I also thought of this : The winds wind. The wind winds around the whirled world.

How do people learn this language? More importantly does my mind work this way because I use English most of the time? Other people use English without these side effects. Maybe I would be more productive if I switched to Spanish?

Posted in funny stuff, Other peoples words, Questions and riddles, scenes on screens, thinking in words, Wacky World | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Every Path Leads Somewhere

Posted on April 23, 2010 by randomyriad

I was lying in bed early this morning after waking up from a strange nightmare. Something about pulling papers out of a confidential file that I wasn’t supposed to access. I ended up with some terrible lung disease as a result and was dying slowly. I woke up feeling terrified which slowly melted into a feeling of relief, and then into a feeling of the unlimited possibilities I could still partake of in my future, even though the future doesn’t really exist. My future is finite, but unknown and therefore full of possibilities.

I have throughout most of my life limited my goals to those that seemed reasonably achievable. But, what if I just took the lid off the possibilities? Now of course there are many things I do not want to do or cannot change. But I have accomplished some amazing things even when I was battling depression and strange addictions. I was able to complete my BA while working almost full time and supporting my wife in taking care of our first infant. So I know that I can work through obstacles.

Somewhere along the way I lost track of the drive that allowed me to take on immense challenges. I think it had to do with raising children and making sure I didn’t ignore their needs as well as being available to support my wife emotionally. I wasn’t going to be an absent father. I have also struggled with depression and made some career decisions which did not fit with my philosophy which caused me to play it safe instead of taking on challenging tasks.

I am now developing a list of behaviors I need to foster in myself in order to move forward in my life in a free and positive manner, to be open to opportunities and possibilities without fear of failure.

1. I need to examine my daily habits, detect behaviors that inhibit me from learning, deteriorate my physical health, and put up walls between me and people and the world. These include obsessions and habits and relying on comfort zone formulations of reality (denial).

2. I need to take more positive risks, not jumping of cliffs, but reaching out into a positive view of the future with my imagination and committing  my time and energy to make these ideas into real plans, and finally into a present reality. I have put too many imaginary limitations on what I can achieve. I think probably I take just as many risks by passing up opportunities as I would in taking them on. Life is a risky business no matter how much I dress it up in these images of safety and comfort. Some of the most satisfying moments in my life, ones I look back on with awe and inspiration, are the ones were I was uncomfortable doing something that seemed very risky at the time.

3. I need to learn how to fail again. Humans learn through practice, and practice means failing before ultimately succeeding. I need to extend myself into the zone of uncertainty in order to learn new skills. I need to practice and therefore I need to be able to accept and learn from failures. I have not put myself in those positions lately. I play it safe and therefore am stagnant. I will fail and struggle and succeed, or maybe not.  I will land somewhere and figure out the next step from there.

Life is not safe. Failure or success is not an end as long as I am alive. Stagnation is just as risky as change. The world is changing around me. I am dying all the time I am alive. I will be living as I am dying. I have an imagination and a healthy mind and body that is all I need to leap into the present with a vision of the future.

Posted in All part of the process, change, Dreamtime, Family, lists, make your own world, paying attention, philosophy, Self-Experiments, Teaching and Learning, the end is the beginning, thinking in words, visions from the dark side, whereever you go there you are, working world | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Back to Work Blahs

Posted on April 11, 2010 by randomyriad

I am just finishing my spring break week off, and I feel very ambivalent about what I have spent my time doing and going back to my routine of having the middle of my day absorbed by work. I like my job, but I don’t feel like it completes my life. I wish I could do a little less of it and a little more of something else. But, then I look back at my week off and see that I didn’t do that much more than I would have if I had been working.

Two things I did that I am feeling very positive and satisfied about are I read 3 books and wrote 10 blogs and a couple of poems. Reading and writing open my mind in many ways and start my mind moving in many ways. One reason I didn’t do more was because I was reading and that is a slow process for me. It is the one thing I can’t do much of when I work.

This week I have begun processing my next step in life. How do I want to proceed after Mary finishes nursing school? I feel like I always want to work some with young children. I am so inspired by it and experienced at  it that it is an effortless intensely rewarding way to spend my time. But, there is part of me that wants to have more connections in the adult world. I am drawn to literature and philosophy and science on a level that I can’t really share with young children though it certainly makes my experience and theirs richer in the way I approach teaching, our interactions, and activities we plan together.

So I am pondering how to expand my life to include more ideas and people. Today I am a little blah and unenthusiastic about thinking and doing in general. I am sure that will vanish tomorrow when I greet my young friends, and we begin new conversations and activities exploring the world. I really do enjoy my work. I am just shifting gears today.

I updated my 101/1001 and found that I am woefully behind on many items, but I have lost 7 1/2 pounds and I am doing well on some others. At the one year mark I intend to replace the ones I have finished with some new ones. Maybe 10 items I could do in 100 days, or maybe just start a new 1001 days for a smaller number of items (This could get complicated). I haven’t decided yet. Just another thing think about, I guess I like to keep my brain busy.

Posted in All part of the process, can't really complain but, change, conversations, developing relationships, paying attention, Self-Experiments, Teaching and Learning, the end is the beginning, thinking in words, working world | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Here I Am Again Wondering How I Got Here

Posted on April 10, 2010 by randomyriad

My memory is so mysterious and unreliable, shifty, that I have to set up landmarks in my own history to tie it down, but stable points are hard to find, the births of my children, the day Mary and I got married, jobs I’ve had. If I try to reference events from my childhood it is almost impossible to be accurate as to which events occurred when and the proper order. I remember after high school I wanted to make sure I remembered things as they happened, but then life would swirl up and I would find momentous events had unfolded without any thought on my part, relationships started and matured so fast that I could not be sure of reasons or timing. I wanted to talk with people about how they perceived the events, interview and discuss the implications, but people mostly just want to live and not think too much. I got nowhere with this idea. I kept journals inconsistently and so vaguely that even though the events in them happened to me, all they do is muddy my memories. I was not clear on anything then, now with a little distance and experience, I see that people were acting in a much more comprehensible way, when before I would invariably be confused and frustrated trying to navigate through my relationships.

I still am not very clear on how to interact with my world. People still confuse me, but I am more resigned to this and take a more long term view. I know that when I don’t understand someone’s behavior toward me or around me, eventually I will either be enlightened or it will become unimportant. I also know to confront what I perceive as bad behavior, diplomatically at first, but I know that just letting it go often leads to worst problems later on.

The other thing I see from looking at my journals and memory and the way other people remember the same events is that my feelings change about everything. From day to day, hour to hour, I move from sunlight into shadow and back like standing in a field on a windy day with clouds. I have little sense of continuity when I look closely at how my life pieces together, or even how any given week leads to another. It is as if I were a series of slightly related people trying to glue themselves into a larger more meaningful mega-person, but it is a shoddy process involving justifying inconsistencies and containing many unexplained contradictions. I know this process is not original with me. Every human being goes through a similar process, though maybe in a more stable, seamless way. The road I travel is full of patches and weird turns and continues out to the horizon in the same way. Next week I am sure I will feel differently about this, or maybe in the next few minutes, but at some point I will be back here wondering how I came to this strange place again and why it seems so familiar.

Posted in All part of the process, change, developing relationships, discovery and recovery, Of the Road and The River, paying attention, philosophy, thinking in words, whereever you go there you are | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment