Understanding The Neighbors, Human and Otherwise

Posted on September 20, 2013 by randomyriad

I am living in my art studio. Things that I made hang about, and make music as I move around. Just behind my little room is a pen where two goats and many chickens live. They sing to me about life in captivity, strange songs with many verses. The chickens are much louder and complain more. Sometimes the larger goat, the mother of the other one, gets out and knocks with her hard hoof on the glass of my back door. She gazes in hopefully. I have no idea what she wants, but I give her some grain and push her back in the pen. She looks at me with her slitted pupil, and I can’t begin to know what it is like to be a goat living in small pen with a bunch of complaining birds. I am usually just as baffled by the behavior of my human neighbors. I go back to my room and think about my own problems and try to be the best human I can be.

We can talk and write and have a huge effect on the world, but I have almost as much trouble making sense out of the choices that humans make, like keeping goats and chickens together in a small pen behind my little room, the nuclear arms race and rush hour traffic jams. I am almost certain I will never really understand people any more than I understand goats. I think I can almost get a handle what’s going on with the chickens sometimes, but I could never explain it too a human or a goat. It is just a vague feeling of unease and desire to be out in the grass away from these big stompy animals with the hard hooves. It is a song that goes well with too early mornings and not enough sleep, too many complications and not enough energy or brain power to make sense of it all. Best to just sing a little song and shrug your shoulders and move along through it. Maybe it will make more sense with a little more experience and lot more coffee.

Posted in can't really complain but, developing relationships, House and home, Life with Animals, mindworks, my life, paying attention, philosophy, Singing, thinking in words | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Living Like Falling Water

Posted on September 17, 2013 by randomyriad

My divorce is final, and I have been feeling very empty and removed from the world. I have been feeling a lot of anger toward my now ex-wife, but today I walked and made my life start from today. I went to stare at a waterfall. The water falls in similar but each pattern is slightly different from any before. The chaos makes it beautiful. I saw a woman trying to photograph the water, but she could only capture a single pattern out of millions. Even if you filmed the water for a day you could not capture the true water fall. I am trying to let go of the idea that I can hang on to anything that matters. I get to experience the part that intersects with my life, but there are so many patterns to witness and bring into my experience. Letting go is a way of letting new patterns in, and the flow goes on, moving downstream into the canyons and out into the bay. I let it go and walked home to eat.

 

 Late Summer Falls

The ever changing

Pattern of falling water

Shatters on smooth rocks

Posted in All part of the process, Art in Nature, change, mindworks, my life, paying attention, philosophy, poetry, summer, the end is the beginning, thinking in words, Walking, whereever you go there you are | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Time Travel Interview Part II

Posted on September 2, 2013 by randomyriad

In Which I answer the last 18 questions posed by Marcel Proust’s aunt to the 14 year-old Proust. I gotta say these are pretty tough questions for a 14 year-old. I know if my aunt asked me these questions when I was 14, I would have thought she was crazy, but I have no French aunts from who lived in the 19th century.

  1. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

That would probably be words like awesome and terrible, which I am misusing because I actually mean good or bad not that the experience left me frozen in wonderment or terror. In general I think our language has been hijacked by advertising and media culture which uses the most extreme language to describe the mundane and trivial.

 I probably say, “Life sucks,” way too often, but then this has been a really hard year.

  1. What or who is the greatest love of your life?

Mary, my ex-wife, is and shall always be someone I love. My children are precious to me of course. I ache with the weight the world puts on them. I love music and art in most of their many forms. I love language and writing. I do not think I would survive without these. I love my friend Pat, who I have known since high school. I love my parents, though they drive me insane most of the time. I love my brother and sisters because I went through the trials of youth with them. I can’t say which is greatest. The loss of any of these would be devastating to me.

3.             3.  When and where were you happiest?

There have been little moments when I was free from all the gravity of life. I remember one time just dancing in a field to the music in my head and not even realizing that anyone else was there. There are times when I am singing, or drawing, or writing when everything is flowing that I reach a feeling of pure joy, but these are moments. Overall, I can’t remember being consistently happy. I do remember when my children were young we were all busy at pleasant tasks or playing games in summer with all the windows open and gentle breezes blowing through a warm room, when Mary and I weren’t worrying about keeping our lives together, which often made those moments impossible.

  1. Which talent would you most like to have?

I would like to be able to understand people well enough to help them realize their humanity and interconnections with the world. I would like to be able to learn music on a deeper level, to be able to improvise and interact with other musicians through music.

  1. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would be more able to focus on something without losing sight of everything else in my life. It seems that I am either hyper-focused or distracted. It makes it very hard for me to learn anything very deeply or be committed to a goal. I wish I was less aimless and drawn off on tangents into cl-de-sacs of obscurity and isolation.

  1. What do you consider your greatest achievement?

During the 3 years I spent teaching Head Start preschool in South Seattle and 3 years I worked for Head Start in West Sacramento, I did so much good work that made families stronger and helped to create learning space that allowed children who were in very compromised situations of poverty and abuse to blossom a little and maybe carry what we gave them into the rest of their childhood. Helping to raise 3 wonderful human beings is something I will always be proud of as well.

  1. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?

Whatever or whoever it was I would like to be alive without fear or anxiety, fully present and capable of joy and compassion. I have live in such a prison of anxiousness. I hope to figure this out before I die.

  1. Where would you most like to live?

I would most like to live near the Pacific Coast, somewhere north from Santa Barbara, California  and south from Vancouver Island, British Colombia, in a small town. Trinidad, California is one place I have always wanted to live.

  1. What is your most treasured possession?

My guitar, though as long as I have access to a decent guitar, I would not need to own it.

  1. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Last year about this time, when Mary decided that she wanted to separate our lives. I had many desperate hours in which I wanted to not exist. I am glad now that I am not immediately able to make my desires manifest. So many dark thoughts passed through my mind at that time, but somehow I pulled myself together and am climbing slowly out of the pit. It is a very deep pit. I figure it will take a while longer to be on level ground again, but I can see the top and it is not too far off.

  1. What is your favorite occupation?

Drawing, writing or playing music. I will always choose one of these when I am free to do so.

  1. Which historical figure do you most identify with?

I don’t identify very strongly with any historical figures. I suppose it would be a poet, musician or painter who like a troubadour wandered from town to town. Again someone like the Dalai Lama, whose mission is to create peace and acceptance in the world, appeals to me the most, but mostly, I feel very little connection with the stream of history.

13. Who are your heroes in real life?

People who are able to bring a feeling of shared life to others. The people I admire are mostly anonymous, known only to those who are graced by their presence. There are people who are able to make others stronger and more able to feel good about themselves. They are rare and will never be famous. Maybe there are just moments in any life where anyone can be one of these people.

  1. What are your favorite names?

I like simple, musical names like Lily, Allison, Riley. I like Spanish and Italian names that are like songs Margarita, Juanita, Silvio, Anatoli, and Mario. I think any name can be either enhanced or disenchanted by the person attached to it. I like the names of those that I love.

  1. What is it that you most dislike?

I most dislike the pain people cause both to themselves and others.

  1. What is your greatest regret?

I regret that I did not challenge my fears more when I was younger. I am living life contained by my feelings of discomfort and anxiety. My life is small and cramped because of this.

  1. How would you like to die?

I would like to live until I can have a little understanding of life and be able to help others live more meaningful lives. I want to cause as little pain or fuss as possible in my dying. I want to go without fear. I want to be ready.

  1. What is your motto?

Each Moment Is An Open Door

Posted in California, can't really complain but, dancing, discovery and recovery, Drawing, Family, lists, mindworks, music, my life, Other peoples words, philosophy, poetry, Questions and riddles, Self-Experiments, Teaching and Learning, thinking in words, time travel | Tagged | Leave a comment

Time Travel Interview

Posted on August 25, 2013 by randomyriad

I was sitting here minding my own business enjoying my time off from my Physical Therapist Assistant training when I came across these questions posed by a French woman to her 14 year old nephew, who just happened to be Marcel Proust. He took the time to answer them in a serious and thoughtful manner and continued to explore the nature of his thought and being throughout his life. So I thought maybe I should take a shot at answering them in a serious and thoughtful manner and see what happens with the rest of my life. It is amazing to me that a woman in France, writing in French almost 150 years ago and having no concept of what my life is like, can ask me questions that make sense to me and I can answer with the help of translation into English. It is the magic time travel bridge of written language and being human that connects us. I wonder if she would understand my answers if they were translated into French.

  1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?

I would like to live in a community where people strive to understand each other and share their talents and gifts to make the community stronger and more interesting. I would like to live in a place of natural beauty where there are opportunities and spaces for peaceful thought.

  1. What is your greatest fear?

I fear that I will never be understood deeply or understand myself and my motivations and anxieties, that I will live in this darkness forever.

  1. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

I most deplore my fear of trust. I am constantly anxious about how people perceive and will potentially react to me. I miss so much of life and am drained by social interactions when I should be energized. I find the situation for the most part intolerable and struggle in solitude when I feel I should be able to share my ideas and gifts, I can only focus on how people will receive them.

  1. What is the trait you most deplore in others?

I feel most people have no imagination, and live their lives in slavery to the ideas of small minded people who dictate popular culture because somebody somewhere wants to sell something that nobody needs or even wants, if they paused to think about what they want from their lives.

  1. Which living person do you most admire?

I admire anyone who can bring enlightenment, a true feeling of peace and joy, to others. The Dalai Lama is a good example.

  1. What is your greatest extravagance?

The amount of time I spend alone. I think it costs me dearly.

  1. What is your current state of mind?

I am half in shadow all the time, but I feel the light penetrating. I have a feeling that soon I will come out into a sunny place and stay there. I have hope even in this amidst this frantic struggle to keep my head out of the rising waters. I can see a distant shadow of land. I will make it there eventually.

  1. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

The idea of being self-made. I think it is always false to believe that you have arrived anywhere without the sacrifice and intervention of others or the world. We are interdependent beings. We cannot live outside the system of mutual cooperation that is human life and life on earth. I think it is the most destructive idea on our planet.

 

  1. On what occasion do you lie?

I try very hard to say things in a way that will be helpful to others, and sometimes I have to be creative with words. But I am not sure this is lying. I think I lie to myself all the time justifying my motivations when I am being selfish or lazy. I lie to when it benefits me. When I am looking for another job and have to go to an interview, I will call in sick rather than tell my boss I am looking for another job. In practical situations that call for diplomacy there are always half-truths as when I am talking to a parent about their child I can’t always be completely honest about my feelings. It would not help the situation or be of value to confront the whole truth right away. I usually try very hard to get to the whole truth eventually.

  1. What do you most dislike about your appearance?

I dislike that I have a broken front tooth. I think that people respond to irregularities in smiles either with pity or discomfort. That makes me feel uncomfortable when I meet people for the first time.

  1. Which living person do you most despise?

I have the hardest time with people who think they are superior to others in any way. The hardest for me are people, who because they want to be wealthy or feel justified by the need for personal security, are willing to destroy the earth and people’s lives. I have a hard time feeling compassion for these people, though I know there are human reasons for behaving this way.

  1. What is the quality you most like in a man?

My relationships with men are different than my relationships with most women, because I am sexually attracted to women, but overall I look for people who are kind and imaginative and are able to show some interest in people and the world that takes them out of the small personal bubble in which most people live their lives.

  1. What is the quality you most like in a woman?

There is a quality of energy and shape that is hard to define that I find attractive in a woman. I like woman who have substance both bodily and in personality, women who exist for themselves as well as being compassionate toward others. Mostly I find women that can care about me as well as themselves and who let me care about them attractive. But for the most part I like people who are trying their best to understand as much as they possibly can about being alive and living with others.

Posted in can't really complain but, conversations, discovery and recovery, lists, mindworks, my life, Other peoples words, philosophy, Questions and riddles, Self-Experiments, thinking in words, time travel | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Writing and Thinking While Catching Up With My email

Posted on July 31, 2013 by randomyriad

I have to write to figure out what’s going on in my mind. My processes are so opaque, I can’t see the wheels spinning or see how the gears fit together or which direction they are headed. I need to write in order to clear the condensation from the glass or I walk around all fogged up. The glass is definitely two-way because I usually am looking at myself looking out and looking in.

If you are writing, you are learning, always learning about yourself and your limits. Don’t be too hard on yourself, simply note what you want to change and go about the work. I am not a good example as I just write what I want and whenever, but writing is the key. When I write more I write better.

There is so much pressure to be clever and ever roaming the widening fields of social media that we get outside of who we are in reality. We are creating virtual selves that only correlate to our actual selves. I think a lot of people are living like ghosts, haunting the virtual borders of their lives and not inhabiting their concrete reality in a meaningful way. I feel this way sometimes and I don’t even tweet.

Like most adults you and I are mercifully incapable of comprehending the weirdness of the developing mind. Not that I would want to see a lot of what goes on in adults minds either. I think it is just a good idea to leave the light off in there and hope the monsters don’t get out.

Posted in All part of the process, mindworks, my life, thinking in words | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment