What Happened, What I Wrote, And What I Read
Every day is packed full. Now the wind starts. Yesterday evening I was so tired and negative, all was black and bleak. Tonight I am feeling fine even though I got the bad news that I will not be able to use vacation pay to supplement my 3 weeks of leave.
Raemi and I planned our next parent night. We worked out the weeks staffing, and I had a good conference with parents. I was also able to finish documentation on our big map project. Oh yeah! and do the most of the laundry. I was awesome.
There is no night here uninterrupted by the sound of machines moving.
My mind is b0roughing furiously into itself, trying to find a framework to express the layers of reality.
I am digging up old work and putting it out furiously on paper always digging.
How long will it take me to fill in this notebook (my new journal), maybe not too long if I write daily. I think handwriting is a different way of thinking, a little slower than typing. In some way my mind works to the rhythm with all this room to write in.
Mary is stressed, but dealing with her new job which has not started except in her mind which is always full of plans, amazing plans for our future. I just go from day to day like a monkey in a tree never thinking beyond the next banana. She is often 3 trees ahead and what about next year.
The minutes feel full to bursting while I work at my desk, music, words, ideas, images, the thought of new music and words. I am reading the Reefs of Earth by R. A. Lafferty and will start Summerland by Michael Chabon soon. I listened to Mahler‘s 8th symphony, mostly beautiful and complex, at times transcendent and ethereal. It has a lot of chorale and vocal sections, but most of that fits so nicely with the instrumentation. The voices are instruments. Words are sounds, especially since they are in German and so meaningless to me.
I am living inside myself. How do I get out?
I edited and rearranged Pieces of the Mirror (some of my mostly unread unfinished works).
There have been times when I naturally connected with people and made them part of my life. I wonder if that is possible anymore. My life flows, moves in a song. I do not sell or steer too much.
Christmas with our children. We played Apples to Apples, listened to I pod music and Jordan provided helicopter antics. What a pleasant and laid back day.
Everybody came to our house, after a stressful preparation. Mary gets wound up, finally is OK, and I am so clueless sometimes (misunderstand and just space out). Mom and Dad were late as usual.
December 29 and into the new year
I went back to work today, and in the middle of organizing my classroom, I was called into the office and confronted with an allegation of child abuse by one of my clients. I was baffled and in shock. Then my director came and told me she had faith in me, but she had to put me on administrative leave with pay until the investigation was over. I spent 3 long days on administrative leave. I was not too fearful. I was just anxious to be there with my colleagues starting the new quarter with my class. I am so thankful for the emotional and administrative support I got during this ordeal. It made a huge difference in my attitude.
1. Reality is surprising. You can’t guess what is going to happen, my director asking me to come to her office as my day was finishing up and while there finding out that I have been implicated in an incident of abuse. I couldn’t have come up with that in my imagination.
2. Finding a sense of history, a sense that what happens in the story is connected to a broader world and series of cultural and historical events and movements.
3. Connected to who I am and how my mind puts things together. Sense of humor and theories of space and time, dreams and confusions that make the story more real.
4. Many voices, angles: not just one narrator or approach to the material.
I am looking over the year and feeling vaguely positive in the face of obstacles.
1. Be productive every day: Do something that carries over to following days.
2. Keep a positive attitude while paying honest attention to what is going on in my life.
3. Appreciate what I have and seek to make a positive difference for the people I have contact with each day.
Conclusion: The End is the Beginning
The beginning of last month already seems so distant. I have gone through some monumental changes in perspective and gained a new attitude toward writing, my work and my life. I feel that I am a writer now and really know that no matter what I must write everyday, even if that means scribbling some ideas in a journal I keep in my pocket. The act of pushing thoughts into words makes my mind work in a more positive way. In this coming year I intend to post at least once a day on my blog, and keep ideas in store so that I have material to draw on. I hope to finish a draft of another novel and finish some short stories, and of course poems will happen every now and then. I am excited about a year of writing. I hope some of my (most likely imaginary) handful of readers will stick with me through the adventure and chaos of another year.