Tarot Journal #4: Queen of Disks

Reintegration and Reconnection

Lately I am putting focus on integrating myself into a more interactive involvement in community and family. I have actively sheltered myself the past year to heal and grieve, a kind of cocoon of regeneration while I put into place a mindful practice of dealing with the world so I could emerge with my heart open to whatever this life has in store for me. I am starting slow, and the world is slowly opening as well. The Queen of Disks is about creating abundance for family and community. I am not so far along in my process to include anybody or group in the small circle of peace I have been able to create, but I am reaching out and accepting safe invitations and rebuilding the tenuous relationships with those people that are already a part of my life, people I work with daily and my family and longtime friends. Just recently I have been able to talk with people about my recent traumatic experiences of devastating loss and emotional turmoil without feeling the almost nauseating twinge of grief and regret that has integrated itself into my emotional fabric.

I never knew my partner when she was healthy and her sudden death, though not surprising given the state of the healthcare system and her failing body, left me with a grandchild to care for alone and the feeling that part of me had been ripped away leaving a gaping wound so that whenever I thought about her it was like touching raw nerves. I am beginning to be able to keep the memory of her love without all the regret and sadness. My grandson is back with his dad and doing well where he is and I am so glad I could care for him when he needed it, but I realized after he made the transition back to his father that I really had not begun to do the work I needed to do to heal. I was in constant crisis and problem solving mode around his needs. Grieving while parenting is a never ending tug of war of emotional focus. I am glad I was able to be there for him, but also very relieved when I could let go of that responsibility. I think we helped each other as much as we could to get through the initial grief and that was a good thing.

In the 5 years I was with my partner, I learned what it is to love and be loved unconditionally and that is something to build on. I am using this as my compass as I navigate out of the wilderness of grief into a life of connection and renewed relationships.

This entry was posted in All part of the process, anthropology, Being Human, change, developing relationships, discovery and recovery, Family, Geographies of Death, House and home, Loss and Leaving, mindworks, my life, paying attention, personal history, philosophy, scenes on screens, Self-Experiments, sympathy and empahty, Telling Stories, thinking in words, Works in Progress and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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