Lurching Through The Fog of Planned Chaos
I am at the point in the moving process where I am questioning all my life choices and my ability to organize anything. Luckily, my body is strong enough to proceed, but I find the mind is lagging with the logistics. A cloud of uncertainty surrounds every decision. Consequently, I just end up just plodding along like a mule without a driver. I have a list of things to do, but I am often muddled about the order in which they will be done in order to be most effective. I am learning to let go of some things I thought were very important and valuable, and it is feeling very much like a slow-motion disaster coalescing: as I see how it is shaping up I adjust my expectations usually toward the minimum success of just getting the hell out and done with this mess.
At the beginning of the week, I felt I had a handle on the whole process. I wasn’t delusionally thinking that it would be easy, but I felt that I could move through my plan without too many adjustments. Living life has a way of pointing out every flaw or miscalculation in my carefully crafted plans. because of the amount of stuff I have collected over the last 5 years, including the things that my partner acquired, I have been steadily disposing of unnecessary items. But after encountering the physical layout of my new apartment, I can see some pieces of furniture are not going to make it into the apartment without a dimensional portal, specifically a recently acquired sofa that no amount of pivoting will maneuver it around a bend in the stairs. In fact, it most likely would end up in a position where getting it back out might be harder than getting it there. I have let that go without too much regret, who needs a giant couch anyway?
So here I am after all my careful strategizing, exhausted and discouraged, not broken, but not even at the halfway point trying not to gaze into the future wistfully hoping that somehow all this crap (most of it looks disposable to me at this point) will disappear without any further physical or mental labor required on my part. Thankfully, I still have a healthy body and half my sanity to gather myself up and work through today and then most likely tomorrow and tomorrow until it is done, moving from one semi-planned staggering step to the next, each one a step closer to whatever done looks like.