Year in Review: July 2010

Posted on January 8, 2011 by randomyriad

A Month of Transition: July Journal

July 2

All is coming apart or together depending on how things fall in or out. Probably somewhere in the middle. I am now bouncing between despair and optimism, panic and relief. Life either will be a lot easier or become very messy. We are up in the air on a place to live, the viability of my job, Mary’s employment, the nursing test. All of our life hinges on these. I have not a clue as to how it will all turn out.

July 4

A typical Fourth of July here, cloudy and cool, possibly rainy. Summer will start next week.

Mary is depressed due to all of the uncertainty and precariousness, everything propped up like a scrap sculpture balanced. Could get us up and out. Could fall and make us restack. We will be alright. Things are shaky, but will improve piece by piece.

I need to start writing again. I keep getting side tracked into distracted patterns. I must write and write, more and more.

July 5

Here at school wondering if anyone besides Micah will show up today.

July 7

Dream:

I was imprisoned on a bed, but the one in charge said I had to go down somewhere. My lawyer made a good case, but the one in charge was thinking of way to tip me off or cut a hole in the bed to get me out. There was a lot to this dream that I can’t put into words.

July 10

I haven’t been writing much these days because my brain has been otherwise occupied by the shift in my duties at work to include the dreaded administration and financial aspects in the absence of our director who is vacationing in Europe. I am capable, but not naturally inclined to these duties, and they make me obsessive and nervous. There’s the house hunting and moving and Mary’s roller coaster moods because of test stress. It has all become a messy tangle in my mind. I am trying to unravel the knots as things fall into place. My director is back so that is off my plate.

We found a house, and Mary is doing well on her practice tests. She has also had a few job prospects follow up with her so that helps her mood.

July 13

I am reading about Robert Altman. He used whatever came to him, circumstances, writers, actors and made them behave so that he could fit it into the framework of his vision, or he shifted his vision to include whatever came along. This is what I long to do, but I won’t be able until I throw all of this continuity out. This idea that I need to be attached to the way things are.

I already teach like Altman made films. I use what is at hand and in my mind and the minds of my students and proceed from there. I go looking for inspiration and fit what I find in. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. I rarely do sit down lessons. Most of my teaching is in the general business of children exploring.

Somehow I have to take my creativity out of the preschool into writing and art.

I want to dream about whales. Instead I dream about the problems of teaching and life’s dull fears. How do I embrace what I live and dream of the impossible.

Think of six impossible things before breakfast, actually at breakfast:

1. a whale wearing a fake mustache

2. trees growing upside down

3. edible bread made out of rock

4. grinding corn with pillows

5. everything falls into place with a little nudging

6. a full sized peanut butter whale, swimming

Can you tell I was reading The Whale by Philip Hoare at the time.

July 14

We will start moving 7/17, Saturday. That gives up two weeks. Plenty of time to move from one to another.

July 15

Denial is my way of life and other people help me implement it. How do I trust in people again? By taking control of my life! Decent people do inconsiderate things and wonderful things. I want to do something wonderful.

July 23

It has been 8 days of upheaval and waiting with held breath. Mary passed her nursing test, off course, but went through a lot of worry before she was notified. We are now on the precipice of complete change.

1. Mary will be a nurse.

2 I will be unemployed or employed somewhere new.

3. Rowan will be moving out in September.

4. We will live in a different house

5. Jordan will be living with us again for a while.

6. I will start a new journal.

7. The hand of fate is upon us! Whap!

July 24

This is it. The end of so much and some shifts, not a totally new path, but we definitely hit a jog of the magnitude of our move to Washington 14 years ago, new jobs, new house, new career, new college. Our children are all adults and mostly independent. I have helped to raise so many children.

I want to do something that is not moving, be somewhere not in transition so I can hold my thoughts steady. What do I want? I want to have control of the situation to some extent.

July 25

This can be my place

Sunday in a new house,

freshly painted,

a few cars on the road early,

no coffee,

just a living room crowded with haphazard furniture,

boxes and crates.

 

July 26

Everything is forming. Our possessions arrange in the space of an old house. Mary is pleased with the kitchen. I am happy with my desk space. She will make an exercise area.

I have to go find a new journal because this one is finished.

This will be my small writing journal. I will fill it with words of smallness and rise into life like smoke on a calm day.

July 27

I filled out my first job application very confidently. I have power in my work and will use it.

July 29

I moved all of my preschool stuff out of BCS. The entire process is almost finished. Our house is almost homelike.

July 31

I live in a fantasy world sometimes. I want everything to work our right for everyone, but I usually don’t have the power to do much about making it work out that way. New things come and go. Nothing gives me that feeling of opening that I used to get when the world shifted, sometimes by just paying attention to little things.


Posted in All part of the process, can't really complain but, Dreamtime, Family, House and home, lists, mindworks, my life, paying attention, personal history, poetry, summer, Teaching and Learning, Telling Stories, the end is the beginning, thinking in words, time travel, whereever you go there you are | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Year in Review: June 2010

Posted on January 7, 2011 by randomyriad

I

Big Change Part II

The biggest event of June 2010, for our clan, was Mary’s pinning ceremony. She took a giant step to becoming a nurse by graduating with her nursing degree. Our friends from California came up and camped in our backyard for a week to be here for this, and just hang out and relax in the cool away from Sacramento Valley summer. Boy! did they get cool weather. It was cloudy and rainy most of the time they were here.

After that we shifted into moving mode (house hunting, packing, worrying).

At my work the regular year ended and things got weird. Our director went on vacation. Eviction notices arrived, but not many students. We were still hoping the real estate deal would save us. It was all very confusing and unsettling.

II

Things I Wrote and Movies I watched

June 5

Journal Entry:

Allergies have come upon me even in the wet weather. Driving Rain, walking rain, settling rain, stopped now. Give me some dry weather if my allergies are going to torture me anyway.

Parent Newsletter:

As we go into this time of transition, I just want to remind parents:

1. Make your child aware of all they have accomplished this year.

2. Focus on summer adventures not the changes that will come in the fall. There will be plenty of time for preparations in August.

3. Don’t worry too much most children are better at adapting to new situations than you expect.

4. Get to know your child’s new school and, if possible, teacher as well as you can before your child gets there so you can provide better support.

June 6

Ghost World is one of my favorite movies.

I watched it again and loved it again.

June 15

Journal Entry:

At work: Rainy morning:

2 children playing/working in the block room. I am eating a breakfast PB and banana sandwich. Pat and Holly (friends from California) are in a tent among the raindrops in our backyard at home, and Mary is on a camping trip probably in the rain.

Yesterday was glorious sun and streaked white sky. Today is all gray, sodden.

June 21

Journal Entry:

The first day of summer is cool and cloudy, but no rain yet. I said good-bye to Pat and Holly this morning before work. This last week has been full and populated. Jordan (my oldest son) has been around a lot as well. No time for normal life. Mary’s pinning on Wednesday, Thursday’s art walk and the Upfront (theater), Friday True Stories (Pat’s and my favorite movie), work and swollen eyes and antihistamine.


David Byrne is inspired no matter what he does.

Saturday, the dog was sick and Mary anxious, a walk in the sunny park with thousands of bicyclists.

Then we watched Men Who Stare at Goats, and to cap it off BBQ ala Jordan.


Sunday, Pat helped me with the laundry, and we hung out at Boulevard park.

It has taken 3 days to recover my balance between the summer weirdness at work and a week of no time to myself, no reading. I really missed reading and writing. They balance me.

June 29

Journal Entry:

I have no idea what to do about anything. It all hinges on whether Mary can pass her exam (NCLEX).

June 30

Journal Entry:

After watching The Road, a post apocalypse dream of running a boarding school where hundreds of kids slept and played on a warehouse floor. There was a swimming pool.

 

Posted in California, can't really complain but, change, Check this out, Dreamtime, Family, House and home, lists, mindworks, my life, paying attention, personal history, scenes on screens, summer, Teaching and Learning, Telling Stories, thinking in words, time travel, working world | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Year in Review: May 2010

Posted on January 6, 2011 by randomyriad

I

the Beginning of the Big Change

Last May was, like most other Mays that I can recall, a swaggering, staggering drunk of a month. We look toward the change that summer brings, positive and negative. Our landlord gave us a letter that said we had to move at the end of June, and when we protested moved that back to the end of July, barely enough time for Mary to pass her nursing test. So we looked forward to being out of the mouse house, but dreaded our prospects of trying to splice together enough money to finance the move, that and finding a place to live while Mary was in job search mode. We were hopeful about my job as a pending real estate deal seemed to be the answer to all the problems facing the school, and my summer income would actually be more than my regular pay.

Still I remember a lot mental tossing and turning in the night, but the strange, or maybe not so strange, thing is that the things I was worried about would mostly resolve without too much pain only to be replaced by other worries and pains. I should just refuse to worry about things that might happen 2 months from wherever I am. They always change like clouds in the wind as they come toward me from black fearsome future storms into manageable rain or just momentary shadows that drift away into the past. Maybe I just need to watch the metamorphosis without fearing.

Mary finished her preceptorship and moved into major studying mode to pass her final exam. All three of my children were doing well in their studies. My work was light and pleasant. The whole parade was moving along into summer, a little shaky, like a marching band that had been marching for too many miles wondering when this particular parade was ending.

II

Journal Entries

A Roller Coaster Of Feelings and Attitude

May 1

Dreams:

I could see the hangman’s plan in my mind. he didn’t have to tell me about it. I could just put the noose around the man’s neck and tie it off to a post so that as they rode away toward the gallows the noose tightened and strangled him, a simple plan indeed.

I was cutting meat, covered in barbecue sauce, in a thrift store. My mother told me that she had not washed the cutting board beforehand. That worried me a little.

May 8

Flat tire/screwed

 

My day is skewered by a screw in the night

road to pick up Dustin pulling to the middle

faster harder pulling

“Can you order those in any size?”

Turned around and back up the gravel drive

and to bed

up early

no writing in me

errands and business

no life, just business

I don’t want business

I want life

thought, exchange, BREATH

I don’t want a beautiful car, or comfort

I can sit for hours in a cold house

occupied in thoughts that fall away

with the sound of a voice

where do they retreat to?

May 11

Only Part of This Always Makes Sense

coming into the chaotic finale

dissonance creeping in

The broad sweeps of angularity

creating competing waves

that bounce

crashing against the lip of the world

rolling back to the middle

as other waves spread from center

moving energetically outward.

May 17

My thoughts went through a train from Kerouac and Cassidy to my cousin Jon and how they were all con men not really producing anything but paying attention to themselves and their id desires.

“What are you thinking about?” Mary asked.

I couldn’t think of how to explain it to her at the time. I knew she didn’t have the time for me to explain it all and give context to the thoughts so she could understand them.

“Random stuff,” I said.

I am trying hard not to be phony, but maybe that is avoiding real commitment.

 

May 21

I am feeling like I am no good at the world. I can’t focus or be courageous. I am hanging on paychecks like tiny branches off of a mile of cliff. I can’t breathe, sleep or understand my dreams. I can’t say I have direction or goals, I am adrift from paycheck to paycheck.

 

May 22

What would a person do to change?

Margot (my landlady) handed me two hand written notes telling us we had to move out by June 30. I tried to explain that we would not be able to rent another place by then.

May 23

I am going to be grown up and be happy with my life, no matter what, and work on the things that matter to me and make Mary happy. I am not desiring. I am flame and reason and love. Watch me burn!

 

May 25

I am deadly tired, and I lose all my thoughts when I am like this. I am dragged down by a sense of impending doom. But, there is still music, The Rolling Stones’ Exile on Main Street. What a wild, exuberant, mad time that must have been. Why can’t I find that spark that shines beyond all this grubbing for dollars. I want to reach into the throat of darkness and pull my dream out, wrench it, tear it from its embryonic chamber, chew it and spit it into the world.

 

May 26

I feel myself developing in slow motion or time lapse or a combination. I come awake in the weirdest moments after moving as if through a gelatinous dream.


May 28

I’ve got no words today. I drew pictures with Ellery this morning.

 

May 29

Sitting and working with Ellery was important yesterday, not over-thinking the process. Maybe that is the key, just letting life unfold without all these desires. I find it difficult to separate from mindless entertainment (video games). Why do I need to be kept busy? Why not busy myself with real world things? Show as much attention to life problems as I show to working with children?

What do I get joy out of?

When I am really into music either listening or playing, when it is just a part of me.

When I am involved in a good conversation with a thoughtful person I trust.

When I show someone something, or explain something in a way that helps them make sense of a piece of the world.

When a piece of the world becomes enlightened in me in a way that moves understanding of my life to new level.

When I am truly in myself in a place with no feelings of need to be anywhere else.

When I look at these journal entries, I feel that I have again fallen asleep and need to wake up. I was in turmoil but I was grappling with big ideas. I need be awake more to my life. That is what the struggle is all about.

Posted in All part of the process, can't really complain but, change, conversations, Dreamtime, Family, House and home, internal landscape, make your own world, mindworks, music, my life, paying attention, personal history, poetry, Questions and riddles, spring, Teaching and Learning, Telling Stories, thinking in words, time travel, visions from the dark side, whereever you go there you are, working world | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Year in Review: April 2010

Posted on January 5, 2011 by randomyriad

Pieces of April

4/1  No April Fools:

50 year annivers0ry of science fiction becoming fact

The Television Infrared Observation Satellite Program (TIROS)

The TIROS Program (Television Infrared Observation Satellite) was NASA’s first experimental step to determine if satellites could be useful in the study of the Earth. At that time, the effectiveness of satellite observations was still unproven. Since satellites were a new technology, the TIROS Program also tested various design issues for spacecraft: instruments, data and operational parameters. The goal was to improve satellite applications for Earth-bound decisions, such as “should we evacuate the coast because of the hurricane?”.

The TIROS Program’s first priority was the development of a meteorological satellite information system. Weather forecasting was deemed the most promising application of space-based observations.

TIROS proved extremely successful, providing the first accurate weather forecasts based on data gathered from space. TIROS began continuous coverage of the Earth’s weather in 1962, and was used by meteorologists worldwide. The program’s success with many instrument types and orbital configurations lead to the development of more sophisticated meteorological observation satellites.

People are so infinitely inventive. We write science fiction and make it fact. 50 years later, we can communicate instantly across the world with millions of people. Maybe we can come up with some ideas about how to survive another 50 years.


4/6

Report:

Animals thrive without oxygen at sea bottom

Creatures found where only microbes and viruses were thought to survive.

Janet Fang/ Nature News

These animals  spend their entire lives in oxygen-starved waters in a basin at the bottom of the Mediterranean Sea. They have no mitochondria. Life takes so many forms! How can it be stopped?

4/11

Mary worked the first shift of her preceptorship at a hospital in the neighboring county. This is the final clinical experience in RN training where the student works under a nurse preceptor doing most of the tasks of an RN. She worked 12 hour shifts, when her preceptor was not sent home early due to low census, starting at 6 am. Early mornings are a big challenge for Mary, so she was tense and tired during much of this period, but she did not have class only a few assignments to complete.

4/13

Journal Entry:

I am feeling harassed this morning. Drizzle. Hesitance, irritation with the dog. Woke up early again before Mary’s alarm. No inspiration so far. I will have a wet walk in the woods to work.

The small woman from Kenya gets on the bus, and makes a little smile inside me. I wonder how her American journey is progressing. She has a bright red umbrella that marks her as someone who is not from around here.

A young woman in hole strewn jeans and carrying a bottle of orange juice looks glass downly. (?)


4/14-21

Natural Events on Land and in Air:

the Icelandic volcano, Eyjafjallajökull,  resumed erupting after a brief pause, causing floods and throwing volcanic ash several miles up in the atmosphere which led to air travel disruption in northwest Europe for six days, including the closure of airspace over many parts of Europe.


4/20 and far into the future

BP Oil Spill!

Need I say more. I don’t think so!

 

4/21

Dream:

Tim McVeigh was working at the school (BCS).

Hazel splashed her feet in the puddles and the splattering water froze arabesque patterns around her legs.


4/25

I watched this movie a couple of times, once with my daughter and youngest son. Women in Austin, Texas come together and make roller derby happen, and then all kinds of interesting issues ensue. Real life does not get better than this, and with music by And You Shall Know Us By the Trail of Dead and tough women on skates, you know it rocked. It is a great story that no one could invent except by living it.


Posted in Bus Writing, can't really complain but, Check this out, Dreamtime, Family, mindworks, music, my life, paying attention, personal history, Questions and riddles, scenes on screens, Teaching and Learning, Telling Stories, thinking in words, time travel, wonder world, working world | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Year in Review: March 2010

Posted on January 4, 2011 by randomyriad

March was a busy month with a lot on its strange and springy mind.

March 1 – March 31

We started our new class calendar. We thought of six things (watermelon, shamrock, butterfly, fire hat, rainbow, and heart) and made simple repeating pattern for the month.

This is how it turned out. Along the way the children learned about symmetry by folding and cutting hearts, shamrocks and butterflies. They noticed the diagonal pattern that emerged as we got further into the month. I think they probably learned about writing numbers and sequence. We enjoyed watching it develop each day adding a new piece of our March.

March 2

The Railroad Man from Skagway

“Didja hear about the fire yesterday?” asked the tattered looking man waiting at the bus stop by my house. I was on my way to work. We talked little about the fire which I had not heard about. He said he was from “Skagway, you know, up there in Alaska.”

Skagway, Alaska in the spring.

“I work on the railroad, and I been comin’ down here for the winter. Everybody leaves. You can do some hiking, if it’s not too icy, and the library’s nice. It has internet.”

He reminds me of an Amish farmer except the thing about the internet.

“My families from Auburn, but they all migrated up to Alaska. So I jes’ followed.” He bounced from foot to foot and squinted into the sunlight glaring off of the mirrored surface of frozen puddles in the gutter across the street.

“I don’t mind the ice too much. It shines things up real nice. It does get treacherous walkin’ “

March 3

Journal Entry:

Soft and sticky feet to move a bench in an athletic obstacle course.

I have no idea what this means.

March 5

I started reading The Wizard of OZ to my class. They loved it and made me read it again when we finished a couple of weeks later.

March 6

I finished reading All the Pretty Horses by Cormac McCarthy to myself.

March 11

Mary and I went to see the Soweto Gospel Choir. They put on an incredible show, beautiful a cappella harmonies, great drumming and dancing, and just plain fun and inspiring music. And the staging, costumes and storytelling that accompanied added extra dimensions to make it totally encompassing. I had the music with me for days afterward and still after a year, I just have a feeling when I hear their music that I didn’t have before watching them perform.

March 14

My parents called to tell me that my Aunt Louise is dead. We talked about her. My father revealed that she was my grandmother’s  illegitimate child. My grandfather did not find out about her until after they were married. Louise lived with other relatives until almost a year after my grandparents were married. My grandmother had a wild side and my Aunt Louise was definitely part of it.

Louise was a tough dame who thought my dad and uncle were sissies because they did not fight enough. I was afraid of her when I was little, but I always loved to visit her house in the summer because she had a pool. She had a living room that children where not allowed into. It had a bowl of wax fruit on the coffee table and a lot of white furniture. I remember that room more than any other room in her house.

March 16

Spider Dream I:

The room was filled with pale fine sand, scattered and piled with a path cleared around the edges. People, dressed in Victorian English fashion, milled about. I searched through the drawers in the walls and found a bright white glass bulb. I dropped the bulb. It shattered at the edge of the room where there was less sand on the floor. I found a broom and began to sweep, but found the broom useless. I went down a hallway, went left into a dark passageway which led to a brightly lit kitchen with a checkered tile floor. My grandmother was standing there lost in thought wearing an apron. I spotted a well-used straw broom leaning by the back door. I grabbed it and, without speaking, ran out. I returned to the mess and began to sweep. This broom worked well, but I encountered another obstacle. The room had holes in the floor that because of an optical illusion were not visible. As I was sweeping I had to be careful to feel the edges and step down into the hole. I was finally about to sweep the last little bit of glass up when the thin legs of a spider began to move slowly in the pile. I was in the middle of trying to figure out how to handle this new puzzle when I woke up.

March 17

Spider Dream II:

It was something that happened only once in a great while. The ritual of the spider. I pulled on the strand of web next to my face, and it grew thicker as I pulled it until it trailed away from me in the strong breeze, a thick cob web, with ragged dusty strands. The small spider sat about a foot from my face manipulating tiny webs in its mandibles. This happened many times. People kept reminding me how important the ceremony was, but finally I threw the spider away in disgust and left.

March 18

Carl’s Natural Cooking Experiment

Carl digs and breaks up clods of dirt in a plastic bowl with a stick, mixing in bits of dry noodles he has brought outside from the collage table.

“I need more tonguinni,” he says and goes back for more noodles.

March 29

Journal Entry:

I must just write, and write and not worry about what comes onto the paper. It will just come whatever, and I will write whatever I am. Huh?

March 30

I went to see Scrap Arts with my class. It was loud and fun and even the 2 to 4 year old crowd enjoyed it, though they often covered their ears. The older kids were intrigued by all the different instruments that the musicians made from junk. The music was pretty basic, but with an interesting presentation, very enthusiastic, athletic, and educational.

3/31

And we’ll go out singing!

Oh Lumpy Pie

sung to “America the Beautiful”


Oh, lumpy pie

Oh, polymath,

Oh, eyes doom and dread,

cantilevered mystified

in league with all the dead.

My own true love.

From the sky above

falling through the trees

into a vat of melted wax

from a hive of killer bees.

Posted in Bus Writing, Check this out, conversations, dancing, Dreamtime, Family, Fiction, mindworks, music, my life, Other peoples words, paying attention, personal history, poetry, Questions and riddles, spring, Teaching and Learning, Telling Stories, thinking in words, time travel, Wacky World, winter, Word play, working world | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment