Tarot Journal #55: Strength/ Knight of Cups/ Ace of Cups/ Empress

In Search of Integration

It is a constant idea of mine; that behind the cotton wool is hidden a pattern; that we — I mean all human beings — are connected with this; that the whole world is a work of art; that we are parts of the work of art. Hamlet or a Beethoven quartet is the truth about this vast mass that we call the world. But there is no Shakespeare, there is no Beethoven; certainly and emphatically there is no God; we are the words; we are the music; we are the thing itself.

Virginia Woolf

I continue to search for deep connections within the world that contains all of us, to decrease the false separations that I have created as my persona, the idea that there is an isolated self that must survive in order to have meaning. The only meaning my life in this body needs to have is that I live as an integral part of the world as whole, making everyone’s existence in the world more integrated and free from suffering as I am capable of doing. I am still working out my path to relieving and reducing my sense of entitlement to material possessions and safety. There is no actual security or continuity in life except that which is enforced at a cost to others or an increased feeling of isolation and alienation from my true place in the world.

Tarot Journal #54: 5 of Disks (Adaptation)/ Knight of Pentacles/ Two of Wands/ Death

Reevaluating Intimate Connections

The pursuit of greater confusion by de(con)struction of the individual (gender, sexuality, professional and family function, education, culture, history …) produces an increase in anxiety, while the pursuit of an investigation of the structures of consciousness as Honest and devoted practice, leads to liberation and joy.

I have been thinking a lot about the strange concept of romantic love and how it drives so much misery in our culture and leaves so many people open to deception. There is the myth of the protected magic circle of true love between two people which allows them to think in such small terms about their connection to the world as if they can rely upon 1 other person to supply them with all the necessities and joys in life. It is a relationship fraught with danger especially when most people do not even know themselves well enough trust their own judgment in making decisions for their own future. All of this based on a little evidence and feelings that are easily led astray, especially in a culture that worships such relationships more than our relationships to people who provide us with food and keep so many parts of our world running around us and our world and all the pieces of our environment which sustain us.

I am investigating my feelings and experiences with this idea and the nature of my relationships with other people, especially the people I have tried to exist with in a romantic way. I want to find a way to be intimate yet not consumed, to leave my attention open to all that is happening around me and all of the relationships that connect me to the world. No matter how important one other person in my life is I am enveloped in the world, inseparable from it. I can’t escape it into a magical universe that only includes two people or just my family, but it is so easy to fall into that trap and in the end, leaves me open to all kinds of misery trying to control the world to maintain that illusion or the illusion that life has less value without that kind of relationship. My life is always going to be lived in connection with all other life on this planet.

Tarot Journal #53: Prince of Cups/ Prince of Swords/ Two of Cups

Just Being Me For A While

I took a walk today down the bike trail to a little path down into the woods ending at two small benches facing a lily pad lake where Roberta and I sat and watched the sunset listening to the early autumn sounds about 6 years ago. Today it was warmer but not nearly hot and not nearly sunset, but otherwise, it is very much the same. I sat remembering how wary I was of starting a relationship for many reasons. I truly wanted to have Roberta as my friend and to be in her life. She was much more into being intimate, but we both knew at that point it would be very complicated until she was not a patient where I was working. She was always impatient and more into charging forward and working out the details as she went along.

I am not an overly cautious, conservative or prudish person. I spent most of my young life living from one strange adventure to next. I have always been shy and an introvert by nature, very cautious about intimacy. I do not like hurting people’s feelings or exposing myself to emotional trauma. I used to get quite lonely at times, but I was finally becoming comfortable living on my own. Plus the fact that three years before my ex-wife ended our 27-year marriage suddenly which drove me into a long depressed period that I was finally pulling myself out of leaving bits of my soul in the muck. It was as if I had been living in black and white for a couple of years and at that point, I was starting to see a little bit of color coming back at the edges. So I was taking it very slow and careful of both Roberta’s feelings and my own.

Today I was kind of retracing all that lightly and realizing I feel good about where I am right now for the first time in a while. I am so glad I got to know Roberta and live with her, and that experience is a big part of why I feel satisfied with most of my life, now that I have put some distance between the worst of the last few years and all the sickness and alienation of her family relationships, I feel as if I can begin building my life to fit me a little better. But who knows what will happen in the next 10 minutes let alone weeks or months from now? Right now I am feeling like I can relax and open up to being myself alone doing whatever I do with no pressure. It feels pretty good.

Tarot Journal #52: 10 of Wands (Oppression)/ XX Judgment/ 5 of Swords/ Four of Disks (Power)

Working My Way Out of Other People’s Lives

On Monday I worked for almost 5 hours finishing the cleaning at the old apartment. I felt drained and unsettled at leaving for the last time that space that had housed Roberta and my life and all but a few of our experiences together. For 5 years I lived in the middle of her family drama. I dealt with so many situations involving her grown children’s raw emotions, and deep feelings of resentment. They had all let each other down and still were very attached to each other through their mother and had been abandoned and abused by their fathers. And Roberta in the middle of this trying to love and support her grandchildren. She had a fierce love for her grandchildren, all three she had held within hours of their birth. She insisted on calling me their grandfather which made me feel both honored and uncomfortable as my family experience was so different. My children have no children and aren’t likely to, which is fine with me. I enjoy their company without children as I would if they had children. I don’t feel my life is incomplete without grandchildren, but I enjoyed her grandchildren and grew to love them.

I have no idea what I am trying to get at here. I guess I am trying to say that there was a lot of emotional life swirling around Roberta, and I was both part of that storm and somewhat separated from it because I was observing from the outside. They were all contained in their experience of growing through trauma and discord while I have my own history that I have drifted out of purposefully and accidentally. My love for Roberta was what involved me and was my filter. I was able to help them make some sense of the chaos, but I couldn’t help them solve the deeper problems caused by the pain they inflicted on each other. I have my own family issues that because I am too involved and implicated in them, I cannot see clearly a path to resolution only follow the threads and forgive and try to see the truth. I could see a lot of the reasons for their behavior, and I could get Roberta to acknowledge, accept and set limits around behavior that was based on guilt and trauma. But, I did not have a trusting relationship with her children, I was only able to protect Roberta and offer advice on parenting to help the grandchildren. The other relationships were too ingrained and integrated into their patterns of dealing with each other. I watched a few slow-motion trainwrecks that are still in process, but I have drifted into a place where they have very little effect on my life.

This whole experience has shown me the limits of my ability to make other people’s lives work for them. Mainly, what I got was Roberta’s love and the limited satisfaction of helping her navigate the last few years of her life with dignity and a little grace, which makes all the rest of the stress and trauma in my life worthwhile. I am still dealing with the fallout.

This last week has been painful in ways that I wasn’t expecting. I have been feeling as if I am abandoning Roberta and her family even though there is really nothing I can do to help them as I am broke and exhausted and have not been able to connect to their lives enough to gain their trust or friendship. I have to move on and let them be who they are. I am feeling battered and worn and ready to heal. I just have to figure out how to deal with all the debris that keeps surfacing randomly. It was a miracle that Roberta and I connected as deeply as we did and that I was able to hold it together as long as I did. Now I need to find a way of living outside the chaos of constant drama. I just need to sit and be me for a little while.

Tarot Journal #51: II The High Priestess/ III The Empress/Five of Wands (Strife)/ Knight of Wands/10 of Wands (Oppression)/ Four of Feathers

All Moved Out /Almost Moved In

Today I go to my old apartment to wipe down the drawers and cabinets, replace light bulbs and break down unused boxes. I have a few odd items to retrieve and dispose of, but the drama and trauma, and hard work are mostly done. I can’t remember doing anything more physically difficult than the last 2 weeks of moving as well as taking most of my mental energy staying focused, using problem-solving skills, and strategies keeping the labor to a manageable level. Even so, I am exhausted and by tomorrow night I will be done and ready to focus on setting up my new home. It seems to be coming together well already.

This week has been all about getting rid of things that do not fit into my life and making room for some new things whatever they might be. And also hopefully making it easier to move next time, less stuff less work. I have all the things I want to keep and they seem to fit. I have a feeling I could give up some more of my things, and I would not miss them much at all. I am still hanging on to a few things that remind me of people I love, but I will remember them without the souvenirs. I moved a lot of art supplies that I should have used by now. I have been busy with other things. I will make space for making art, writing, and music, more music sounds really nice.

There will be a few days of rest before I begin setting up my spaces and oh, yes there is always my job. I love working as a physical therapist. It keeps me busy in the world helping people. It will be good to just do that for a few days.

Myriad Ways

Tarot Journal #55: Strength/ Knight of Cups/ Ace of Cups/ Empress

In Search of Integration

Tarot Journal #54: 5 of Disks (Adaptation)/ Knight of Pentacles/ Two of Wands/ Death

Reevaluating Intimate Connections

Tarot Journal #53: Prince of Cups/ Prince of Swords/ Two of Cups

Just Being Me For A While

Tarot Journal #52: 10 of Wands (Oppression)/ XX Judgment/ 5 of Swords/ Four of Disks (Power)

Working My Way Out of Other People’s Lives

Tarot Journal #51: II The High Priestess/ III The Empress/Five of Wands (Strife)/ Knight of Wands/10 of Wands (Oppression)/ Four of Feathers

All Moved Out /Almost Moved In

There will be a few days of rest before I begin setting up my spaces and oh, yes there is always my job. I love working as a physical therapist. It keeps me busy in the world helping people. It will be good to just do that for a few days.