Tarot Journal #53: Prince of Cups/ Prince of Swords/ Two of Cups

Posted on September 5, 2022 by randomyriad

Just Being Me For A While

I took a walk today down the bike trail to a little path down into the woods ending at two small benches facing a lily pad lake where Roberta and I sat and watched the sunset listening to the early autumn sounds about 6 years ago. Today it was warmer but not nearly hot and not nearly sunset, but otherwise, it is very much the same. I sat remembering how wary I was of starting a relationship for many reasons. I truly wanted to have Roberta as my friend and to be in her life. She was much more into being intimate, but we both knew at that point it would be very complicated until she was not a patient where I was working. She was always impatient and more into charging forward and working out the details as she went along.

I am not an overly cautious, conservative or prudish person. I spent most of my young life living from one strange adventure to next. I have always been shy and an introvert by nature, very cautious about intimacy. I do not like hurting people’s feelings or exposing myself to emotional trauma. I used to get quite lonely at times, but I was finally becoming comfortable living on my own. Plus the fact that three years before my ex-wife ended our 27-year marriage suddenly which drove me into a long depressed period that I was finally pulling myself out of leaving bits of my soul in the muck. It was as if I had been living in black and white for a couple of years and at that point, I was starting to see a little bit of color coming back at the edges. So I was taking it very slow and careful of both Roberta’s feelings and my own.

Today I was kind of retracing all that lightly and realizing I feel good about where I am right now for the first time in a while. I am so glad I got to know Roberta and live with her, and that experience is a big part of why I feel satisfied with most of my life, now that I have put some distance between the worst of the last few years and all the sickness and alienation of her family relationships, I feel as if I can begin building my life to fit me a little better. But who knows what will happen in the next 10 minutes let alone weeks or months from now? Right now I am feeling like I can relax and open up to being myself alone doing whatever I do with no pressure. It feels pretty good.

Posted in All part of the process, Being Human, change, developing relationships, discovery and recovery, Fools Journey, make your own world, mindworks, my mystic toolbox, paying attention, personal history, Self-Experiments, thinking in words, time travel, Walking, whereever you go there you are, Works in Progress | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Tarot Journal #52: 10 of Wands (Oppression)/ XX Judgment/ 5 of Swords/ Four of Disks (Power)

Posted on September 2, 2022 by randomyriad

Working My Way Out of Other People’s Lives

On Monday I worked for almost 5 hours finishing the cleaning at the old apartment. I felt drained and unsettled at leaving for the last time that space that had housed Roberta and my life and all but a few of our experiences together. For 5 years I lived in the middle of her family drama. I dealt with so many situations involving her grown children’s raw emotions, and deep feelings of resentment. They had all let each other down and still were very attached to each other through their mother and had been abandoned and abused by their fathers. And Roberta in the middle of this trying to love and support her grandchildren. She had a fierce love for her grandchildren, all three she had held within hours of their birth. She insisted on calling me their grandfather which made me feel both honored and uncomfortable as my family experience was so different. My children have no children and aren’t likely to, which is fine with me. I enjoy their company without children as I would if they had children. I don’t feel my life is incomplete without grandchildren, but I enjoyed her grandchildren and grew to love them.

I have no idea what I am trying to get at here. I guess I am trying to say that there was a lot of emotional life swirling around Roberta, and I was both part of that storm and somewhat separated from it because I was observing from the outside. They were all contained in their experience of growing through trauma and discord while I have my own history that I have drifted out of purposefully and accidentally. My love for Roberta was what involved me and was my filter. I was able to help them make some sense of the chaos, but I couldn’t help them solve the deeper problems caused by the pain they inflicted on each other. I have my own family issues that because I am too involved and implicated in them, I cannot see clearly a path to resolution only follow the threads and forgive and try to see the truth. I could see a lot of the reasons for their behavior, and I could get Roberta to acknowledge, accept and set limits around behavior that was based on guilt and trauma. But, I did not have a trusting relationship with her children, I was only able to protect Roberta and offer advice on parenting to help the grandchildren. The other relationships were too ingrained and integrated into their patterns of dealing with each other. I watched a few slow-motion trainwrecks that are still in process, but I have drifted into a place where they have very little effect on my life.

This whole experience has shown me the limits of my ability to make other people’s lives work for them. Mainly, what I got was Roberta’s love and the limited satisfaction of helping her navigate the last few years of her life with dignity and a little grace, which makes all the rest of the stress and trauma in my life worthwhile. I am still dealing with the fallout.

This last week has been painful in ways that I wasn’t expecting. I have been feeling as if I am abandoning Roberta and her family even though there is really nothing I can do to help them as I am broke and exhausted and have not been able to connect to their lives enough to gain their trust or friendship. I have to move on and let them be who they are. I am feeling battered and worn and ready to heal. I just have to figure out how to deal with all the debris that keeps surfacing randomly. It was a miracle that Roberta and I connected as deeply as we did and that I was able to hold it together as long as I did. Now I need to find a way of living outside the chaos of constant drama. I just need to sit and be me for a little while.

Posted in All part of the process, Being Human, can't really complain but, change, developing relationships, discovery and recovery, Family, Fools Journey, House and home, Loss and Leaving, mindworks, my life, my mystic toolbox, paying attention, philosophy, Self-Experiments, thinking in words, Works in Progress | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Tarot Journal #51: II The High Priestess/ III The Empress/Five of Wands (Strife)/ Knight of Wands/10 of Wands (Oppression)/ Four of Feathers

Posted on August 29, 2022 by randomyriad

All Moved Out /Almost Moved In

Today I go to my old apartment to wipe down the drawers and cabinets, replace light bulbs and break down unused boxes. I have a few odd items to retrieve and dispose of, but the drama and trauma, and hard work are mostly done. I can’t remember doing anything more physically difficult than the last 2 weeks of moving as well as taking most of my mental energy staying focused, using problem-solving skills, and strategies keeping the labor to a manageable level. Even so, I am exhausted and by tomorrow night I will be done and ready to focus on setting up my new home. It seems to be coming together well already.

This week has been all about getting rid of things that do not fit into my life and making room for some new things whatever they might be. And also hopefully making it easier to move next time, less stuff less work. I have all the things I want to keep and they seem to fit. I have a feeling I could give up some more of my things, and I would not miss them much at all. I am still hanging on to a few things that remind me of people I love, but I will remember them without the souvenirs. I moved a lot of art supplies that I should have used by now. I have been busy with other things. I will make space for making art, writing, and music, more music sounds really nice.

There will be a few days of rest before I begin setting up my spaces and oh, yes there is always my job. I love working as a physical therapist. It keeps me busy in the world helping people. It will be good to just do that for a few days.

Posted in All part of the process, Being Human, bodyworks, can't really complain but, change, Fools Journey, music, my life, my mystic toolbox, paying attention, Self-Experiments, the end is the beginning, thinking in words, working world, Works in Progress | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Tarot Journal #50: The Tower/ 6 of Cups (Pleasure)/ Mother of Feathers/ Queen of Cups (Contemplation)

Posted on August 23, 2022 by randomyriad

I

I have been experiencing pain from things that I possess as I move them out of my recently vacated apartment. Most of them I brought with me, but I have acquired a few more over the past 5 years with Roberta. I have not gone through a thoughtful assessment of what I want to take and what needs to be living with someone else. So I am moving way too much stuff. Things that have acquired emotional ties, but that I will never use or appreciate for their purpose. It is too late to make hard decisions so I will move it all out and decide later what makes sense to keep. Anyway, I wish you healthy emotional attachments, namely gratitude, with all your possessions and relationships.

II

I am discovering again that which I continually have to teach myself. There is power and joy in doing work that has to be done if I can see and judge my progress, but also in just using my intellect and body, and will to complete a difficult task. At the end of each day, I am amazed at what I accomplished and as I am working through each of the smaller tasks, planning my steps, and monitoring my bodily mechanics, I have joy in my body that overcomes pain and fatigue. I feel lucky to have a body and mind and tools that function as well as they have so far. I am exhausted at the end of the day and wake up to pain in places I have not felt in while, but with a little ibuprofen and stretching and coffee, I am ready to begin again until this job is done, hopefully. And, though this work will end, there will always be more to do and that will be whatever it is. I can only be doing what I am doing now if I want the moment to inspire me.

III

After work and moving stuff from my previous apartment, I was cooking a pot of spaghetti with sauce bubbling nicely and some gentle middle eastern music wafting in from my computer in the living room which at this point is strewn with boxes mostly unpacked. All was peace and the labor of the day was falling away when the power went out. Suddenly I was in catastrophe mode, cursing and rummaging for emergency lighting so I could salvage my meal. Which, I did.

I took my pasta and a beer and went out to eat as the sun was setting through the trees and the downstairs neighbors were playing with their cats which were tethered with twine to harnesses. They gently followed the cats around the grassy area outside their back door having quiet conversations with each other and the cats. When the woman downstairs noticed me standing at my rail. We talked about the power outage and how the cats like to watch the bunnies grazing on the lawn through the screendoor. We did not exchange names or any details about our lives that couldn’t be seen or known without asking. We were just people experiencing a power outage on a warm pleasant evening. People who just happen to be living in the same building now. I can’t recall any interactions over the last few years as calming and reassuring. At some point, we wandered back into our respective apartments and continues our quiet evening lives.

Posted in All part of the process, Being Human, bodyworks, can't really complain but, capturing light, change, Chaos and Order, conversations, delusions of progress, developing relationships, discovery and recovery, Fools Journey, House and home, Life with Animals, Loss and Leaving, mindworks, my life, my mystic toolbox, paying attention, philosophy, Self-Experiments, summer, thinking in words, Works in Progress | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Tarot Journal #49: I The Magus/ XIX The Sun/ 9 of Disks (Prudence)/ 8 of Swords/ King of Swords/ Ten of Swords (Ruin)

Posted on August 18, 2022 by randomyriad

Lurching Through The Fog of Planned Chaos

I am at the point in the moving process where I am questioning all my life choices and my ability to organize anything. Luckily, my body is strong enough to proceed, but I find the mind is lagging with the logistics. A cloud of uncertainty surrounds every decision. Consequently, I just end up just plodding along like a mule without a driver. I have a list of things to do, but I am often muddled about the order in which they will be done in order to be most effective. I am learning to let go of some things I thought were very important and valuable, and it is feeling very much like a slow-motion disaster coalescing: as I see how it is shaping up I adjust my expectations usually toward the minimum success of just getting the hell out and done with this mess.

At the beginning of the week, I felt I had a handle on the whole process. I wasn’t delusionally thinking that it would be easy, but I felt that I could move through my plan without too many adjustments. Living life has a way of pointing out every flaw or miscalculation in my carefully crafted plans. because of the amount of stuff I have collected over the last 5 years, including the things that my partner acquired, I have been steadily disposing of unnecessary items. But after encountering the physical layout of my new apartment, I can see some pieces of furniture are not going to make it into the apartment without a dimensional portal, specifically a recently acquired sofa that no amount of pivoting will maneuver it around a bend in the stairs. In fact, it most likely would end up in a position where getting it back out might be harder than getting it there. I have let that go without too much regret, who needs a giant couch anyway?

So here I am after all my careful strategizing, exhausted and discouraged, not broken, but not even at the halfway point trying not to gaze into the future wistfully hoping that somehow all this crap (most of it looks disposable to me at this point) will disappear without any further physical or mental labor required on my part. Thankfully, I still have a healthy body and half my sanity to gather myself up and work through today and then most likely tomorrow and tomorrow until it is done, moving from one semi-planned staggering step to the next, each one a step closer to whatever done looks like.

Posted in All part of the process, bodyworks, can't really complain but, change, Chaos and Order, delusions of progress, Fools Journey, Loss and Leaving, mindworks, my life, my mystic toolbox, paying attention, Self-Experiments, thinking in words, Works in Progress | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment