Tarot Journal #18: 5 of cups(Regret)/IX The Hermit

Posted on June 7, 2022 by randomyriad

Shining a Light on Loss and the Myriad Possibilities

Last night as I was going through my bedtime routine a sudden unbidden memory of driving to my sister’s house in the coastal range of Oregon east of Coos Bay. I was listening to a book by Jonathan Franzen called Freedom. In the part I was listening to a man had made a series of mistakes in his relationships based on his obsession with saving songbirds from predatory house cats allowed to roam free. He had taken a noble cause and ruined his life with it as well as causing misery to most of the people he cared about, driving them out of his life. Instead of allowing himself to regret some of his behavior, he doubled down on it and isolated himself more.

I have done this a few times with some relationships instead of feeling regret and acting to correct some action or attitude, I found it more important to be right, to win the argument at the expense of other people’s and my own feelings. It is a very dark place to be. As I was acknowledging the memory. I experienced the regret of a future in which I will never go back to that particular house my sister and her husband lived in or even that part of Oregon due to the limited amount of time I have left to live and the fact that my sister and mother moved south to California in the last couple of years, and I have no particular reason to go there. But there was such a pang of loss embedded in the thought. I am pretty sure it had to do with having a purposeful connection with a beautiful place that caused that deep feeling of future regret.

I know I could go there again for no reason except to be in that place, but I also know I want to spend my precious time with people I know and love. The choice is pretty easy, but, for that moment, I experienced a deep sense of loss. The older I get the more this happens, sometimes about not getting to somewhere I’ve wanted to go, but will for very good reasons not get to. Because life is short, I will have to make choices that will leave other possibilities to wither and fade. That is the way it must be. But, if I can wholeheartedly embrace choices that connect me with the people I love I will also experience new places and come to love them. Regret is a warning that life is short and time is limited. There are many ways to respond to regret: depression and grieving, anger and frustration, acceptance and love for those memories. The actions I take in response can lead to bitterness and more regret or to seeing all the choices available to me that might lead to a more satisfying life. Of course, life will do what it does and the choices I make will lead me where they will and I will never know which was the right choice. Regret is there to be pondered more than acted on. Will I regret more of my lost futures or past actions, if I am living an open-minded curious life I am sure it will always be there to make me think a little deeper about my actions and choices.

Posted in All part of the process, banality of evil, Being Human, can't really complain but, change, delusions of progress, developing relationships, Family, Fools Journey, imagination and reality, Loss and Leaving, mindworks, my life, Oregon, paying attention, philosophy, Self-Experiments, Telling Stories, thinking in words, time travel, visions from the dark side, Works in Progress | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Tarot Journal #17: 7 of Cups(Debauch)/VI The Lovers

Posted on June 6, 2022 by randomyriad

On the Continuum of Reconnection

Each of these cards represents its own range of a certain process. The Seven represents the range of separation of desire from compassion and sensitivity to others, and The Lovers represents a range of an individual element’s integration into relationship with another individual or group. The Seven also represents a low point on The Lovers scale moving toward or away from integration. To me this arrangement tells me I am on the right track. I am moving toward integration with others from a long series of shocks and regressions that threw me off the path. I am on the path again or maybe for the first time I have found solid footing and positive direction. Hopefully, I am facing the right direction and am able to keep myself moving toward a more connected life.

Posted in All part of the process, Being Human, can't really complain but, change, delusions of progress, developing relationships, discovery and recovery, Fools Journey, mindworks, my life, my mystic toolbox, paying attention, philosophy, Self-Experiments, thinking in words, Works in Progress | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Tarot journal #16: Queen of Wands/The Moon/The Hermit

Posted on June 5, 2022 by randomyriad

Beginning with a Weightless Step

There is a constant process of reaching out into the world, natural and cultural, drawing inspiration, breathing in and combining external material with the material that has been internalized or exists in my subconscious memories, visions and the mysterious music of my mind and heart. Often the product of this mixing comes out in my dreams. But usually, in forms so rough and haphazard, it takes me a while to figure out what, if any, I will be able to put into a form that I can integrate into a learning, and eventually, a sharing process.

The Queen of Wands tells me to always honor my true self, to follow passion with a greedy heart.

The Moon says beware the illusions contained in stories and dreams for they can lead you on paths that you cannot find when waking. Some will be true and helpful: others will be lies based on aimless desire, greed, or fear of risk of loss which exists no matter what action I take.

The Hermit is there to remind me to test any new input by carefully withdrawing from the onslaught of constant information and experience to test my way forward with a weightless leading foot like a wolf padding across a frozen river on a moonless night.

Somehow all these worked together this week and I managed to strike a balance. I was passionate and kind in my work. My dreams made no sense so I didn’t really know how to act on them, except one insistent message to keep moving after receiving my 2nd booster for covid, and I was feeling lousy. I pushed through a couple of days and felt better than I would have if I had stayed home. My inner hermit is always busy slowing me down, making me put out a weightless foot in case my headlong desires to get to the next thing should land me in the dark, icy waters.

I will always be playing with knobs, adjusting the balance on my collaborative process with the world. but I know I am only a small part of the process. I will have to learn to let go of the illusion that I have control over more than a tiny fraction of what I will have to deal with as I move onward into the unknown and for that I plan to continue to develop and nurture my mindful response strategies and keep my lead foot light when the going is uncertain, leaving the rest to the whimsy of the world.

in Tai Chi most stepping movements begin with an empty step in which one foot is put down with no weight and slowly the weight is shifted onto it, thus the practitioner is able to maintain options for movements in response to unexpected shifts in a partner’s position or uneven and shifting ground.

Posted in Abstraction, All part of the process, Being Human, change, delusions of progress, Dreamtime, Fools Journey, imagination and reality, internal landscape, mindworks, my life, my mystic toolbox, paying attention, philosophy, Self-Experiments, Teaching and Learning, The Moon, thinking in words, visions from the dark side, whereever you go there you are, working world, Works in Progress | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Tarot Journal #15: XVIII The Moon/Eight of Coins/9 of Disks (prudence)/ XIX The Sun

Posted on June 2, 2022 by randomyriad

Dreams, Memory and Moving into the Moment

The problem I have with my dreams is that they often highlight events and incidents in my life that I, if I had been more mindful and intentional, could have handled more positively, actually building better relationships rather than weakening my connections with people I cared about. That is all right, but the timing sucks in that I have no way to correct those mistakes. It is like my mind is haunting me.

I do see a good side to these visions of my wannabe forgotten gallery of failure. I get fresh inspiration to develop my sense of presence in the moment as an integrated part of unfolding relationships. If my mind allowed me to just cherry-pick my successes or only the memories that bring me pleasure, then I will not be as driven to develop my attention to the only part of my life I can change, the emergent and momentary present.

Yesterday I was dealing with a patient, a fairly young woman as far as my clientele’s usual age range, whose main issue was that she was trapped in a prison of smaller and smaller expectations of effort and inability to push herself beyond the walls of comfort, and so had grown afraid of any activity or choice that might be unpleasant or require some will. I had an hour to work with her and within the first 10 minutes, I was feeling frustrated at her lack of ambition and will to improve her life. I was about to dismiss her as hopeless.

Then I recalled a dream I had of one of the many times I had been less than patient with my daughter when she was feeling hopeless. I think that is something I figured out as a preschool teacher that my reactions were often a mirror of how the person I was dealing with was feeling. So I just took a deep breath and step by little step began to work on minimal activities which would allow her to see a path forward. I did not get done what I had planned to do with her, but she took a few baby steps toward the light. I still felt frustrated that not much had been accomplished when we had so few minutes to make an impact on her recovery, but I left an opening for our next session. I did not injure our working relationship by allowing my frustration to force her to shut down the process completely. Maybe, tiny steps are all she can handle right now and we will have to leave a lot unfinished on her road to a more active life. But that is often how it goes in my work. I rarely see more than the beginning of the process and the stepping stones that lead into the imagined future.

Posted in All part of the process, anthropology, Being Human, bodyworks, can't really complain but, change, delusions of progress, developing relationships, discovery and recovery, Dreamtime, mindworks, my life, paying attention, Self-Experiments, sympathy and empahty, Teaching and Learning, Telling Stories, thinking in words, visions from the dark side, working world, Works in Progress | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Tarot Journal #14: The Fool and The Star

Posted on June 1, 2022 by randomyriad

Stepping Deeper: Renewing a Sense of Wonder

These recent days are filled with dramatic changes in weather. The sky is always doing something and the wind is always busy from gentle breeze to gusts of sideways rain, mirroring some dramatic shifts in my thinking and acting. I have decided that I must double down on my commitment to finding a path that includes wonder and challenge. I have been very consistent in my new practices of meditation and Tai Chi which has helped to keep me grounded in the present, but so far I have been moving passively through my days keeping my mind open to possibilities. The next step is to move into moments with my heart open as well, challenging myself to connect more deeply to the people in my life. I have begun to contact my family and friends and renew active relationships with them. I am releasing myself from the fear and anger that have possessed me. As the Fool goes deeper the stars will dance and the light will guide me on.

Posted in All part of the process, Being Human, capturing light, change, developing relationships, Family, Fools Journey, mindworks, my life, my mystic toolbox, paying attention, philosophy, Self-Experiments, thinking in words, Works in Progress | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment