Reopening

For me, at this point in my life, this card means keeping my heart open to love and making space in my life just in case someone needs that space. I am trying to clear out the old junk and trauma that is blocking the door. I know I can’t get rid of all these pieces left over from the larger and smaller demolitions necessary to free myself from the prison of a too small a definition of love. I will put this debris to the side and try not to lose the better parts of the experience. But, I want to keep the way open for anyone who comes walking in ready to share what ever they want to share. I will make no predictions at this point. Whatever happens I am working on a sign that says something like welcome, make yourself at home.

I was so hesitant to commit to the relationship with my previous partner, because of circumstances that would put my job in jeopardy. But, also due to ruin and thick emotional scar tissue that formed after the sudden, but foreseeable, end of my 27 years of marriage and the years of damage that led up to that sudden rupture. I had been so self-centered and inattentive to my relationships that I was surprised by what should have been obvious and my then wife was never good at seeing other points of view as well. It was a perfect storm that had been brewing throughout our years together. For reasons I am still trying to figure out, I have not been able to give my whole self to my relationships and that has led to painful feelings of abandonment and defensiveness. When my recent partner approached me with interest in a deep sharing relationship, I could only agree to a get to a know you first agreement, mainly because I didn’t want to be the cause of both of our pain if it went badly. But, she had enough trust in me to let me grow into the relationship and knew I would take care of her. I am still amazed by her trust in my ability to love and care for her.

I did take care of her to the end, but it was not enough to keep her alive. I was able to help her live long enough to renew relationships with her children and develop life changing relationships with her grandchildren and give me the experience of being loved and appreciated for being me in the best possible way, which has given me the ability to deal with the end of our life together. This has given me the ability to keep my mind and heart open to whatever comes next. Even with this, I have had to work very hard to keep myself from sliding into bitterness, especially at people’s inability to realize if we do not take care of each other we will all suffer together. In the end, I will choose caring and integration over cynicism. It is so easy to close down and stew in anger. Reopening is a lot of work, but has already brought in light to see so many possibilities moment to next moment. So I will continue clearing out the clutter and ruin, letting in the light and air and whatever else comes in.

“We have all hurt someone tremendously, whether by intent or accident. We have all loved someone tremendously, whether by intent or accident. it is an intrinsic human trait, and a deep responsibility, I think, to be an organ and a blade. But, learning to forgive ourselves and others because we have not chosen wisely is what makes us most human. We make horrible mistakes. It’s how we learn. We breathe love. It’s how we learn. And it is inevitable.”

Nayyira Waheed