Tarot Journal #50: The Tower/ 6 of Cups (Pleasure)/ Mother of Feathers/ Queen of Cups (Contemplation)

I

I have been experiencing pain from things that I possess as I move them out of my recently vacated apartment. Most of them I brought with me, but I have acquired a few more over the past 5 years with Roberta. I have not gone through a thoughtful assessment of what I want to take and what needs to be living with someone else. So I am moving way too much stuff. Things that have acquired emotional ties, but that I will never use or appreciate for their purpose. It is too late to make hard decisions so I will move it all out and decide later what makes sense to keep. Anyway, I wish you healthy emotional attachments, namely gratitude, with all your possessions and relationships.

II

I am discovering again that which I continually have to teach myself. There is power and joy in doing work that has to be done if I can see and judge my progress, but also in just using my intellect and body, and will to complete a difficult task. At the end of each day, I am amazed at what I accomplished and as I am working through each of the smaller tasks, planning my steps, and monitoring my bodily mechanics, I have joy in my body that overcomes pain and fatigue. I feel lucky to have a body and mind and tools that function as well as they have so far. I am exhausted at the end of the day and wake up to pain in places I have not felt in while, but with a little ibuprofen and stretching and coffee, I am ready to begin again until this job is done, hopefully. And, though this work will end, there will always be more to do and that will be whatever it is. I can only be doing what I am doing now if I want the moment to inspire me.

III

After work and moving stuff from my previous apartment, I was cooking a pot of spaghetti with sauce bubbling nicely and some gentle middle eastern music wafting in from my computer in the living room which at this point is strewn with boxes mostly unpacked. All was peace and the labor of the day was falling away when the power went out. Suddenly I was in catastrophe mode, cursing and rummaging for emergency lighting so I could salvage my meal. Which, I did.

I took my pasta and a beer and went out to eat as the sun was setting through the trees and the downstairs neighbors were playing with their cats which were tethered with twine to harnesses. They gently followed the cats around the grassy area outside their back door having quiet conversations with each other and the cats. When the woman downstairs noticed me standing at my rail. We talked about the power outage and how the cats like to watch the bunnies grazing on the lawn through the screendoor. We did not exchange names or any details about our lives that couldn’t be seen or known without asking. We were just people experiencing a power outage on a warm pleasant evening. People who just happen to be living in the same building now. I can’t recall any interactions over the last few years as calming and reassuring. At some point, we wandered back into our respective apartments and continues our quiet evening lives.

Posted in All part of the process, Being Human, bodyworks, can't really complain but, capturing light, change, Chaos and Order, conversations, delusions of progress, developing relationships, discovery and recovery, Fools Journey, House and home, Life with Animals, Loss and Leaving, mindworks, my life, my mystic toolbox, paying attention, philosophy, Self-Experiments, summer, thinking in words, Works in Progress | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Tarot Journal #49: I The Magus/ XIX The Sun/ 9 of Disks (Prudence)/ 8 of Swords/ King of Swords/ Ten of Swords (Ruin)

Lurching Through The Fog of Planned Chaos

I am at the point in the moving process where I am questioning all my life choices and my ability to organize anything. Luckily, my body is strong enough to proceed, but I find the mind is lagging with the logistics. A cloud of uncertainty surrounds every decision. Consequently, I just end up just plodding along like a mule without a driver. I have a list of things to do, but I am often muddled about the order in which they will be done in order to be most effective. I am learning to let go of some things I thought were very important and valuable, and it is feeling very much like a slow-motion disaster coalescing: as I see how it is shaping up I adjust my expectations usually toward the minimum success of just getting the hell out and done with this mess.

At the beginning of the week, I felt I had a handle on the whole process. I wasn’t delusionally thinking that it would be easy, but I felt that I could move through my plan without too many adjustments. Living life has a way of pointing out every flaw or miscalculation in my carefully crafted plans. because of the amount of stuff I have collected over the last 5 years, including the things that my partner acquired, I have been steadily disposing of unnecessary items. But after encountering the physical layout of my new apartment, I can see some pieces of furniture are not going to make it into the apartment without a dimensional portal, specifically a recently acquired sofa that no amount of pivoting will maneuver it around a bend in the stairs. In fact, it most likely would end up in a position where getting it back out might be harder than getting it there. I have let that go without too much regret, who needs a giant couch anyway?

So here I am after all my careful strategizing, exhausted and discouraged, not broken, but not even at the halfway point trying not to gaze into the future wistfully hoping that somehow all this crap (most of it looks disposable to me at this point) will disappear without any further physical or mental labor required on my part. Thankfully, I still have a healthy body and half my sanity to gather myself up and work through today and then most likely tomorrow and tomorrow until it is done, moving from one semi-planned staggering step to the next, each one a step closer to whatever done looks like.

Posted in All part of the process, bodyworks, can't really complain but, change, Chaos and Order, delusions of progress, Fools Journey, Loss and Leaving, mindworks, my life, my mystic toolbox, paying attention, Self-Experiments, thinking in words, Works in Progress | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

2022 Graphics Journal Pages #21 and #22: June 13- August 14

CartoBiography III A and B: Life in Washington 1997

A

B

Posted in California, change, Collage, doodles, Family, Fools Journey, House and home, my life, On the Salish Sea, Oregon, personal history, Self-Experiments, time travel, Works in Progress | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Variations on the Summer Moon

Posted in Art in Nature, capturing light, doodles, investigations of color, My Art, summer, The Moon, variations on a Theme | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Tarot Journal #48: 0 Fool/ Queen of Cups/ Page of Disks/Three of Wands (Virtue)/8 of Wands

Beginning the Journey: Glimpses of Undiscovered Life

As I put all the finishing touches of my planned move in place, all these mundane tasks having to do with cashier’s checks and finding help for tasks I cannot accomplish on my own, I find my dream life exploding into vivid sound, color and expanding into original territory some very sensual, but not very sexual. They are more about living intimately with people I am not familiar with in my waking life, like someone else’s memories in dream images. These dreams are impossible to contain in a narrative or even words like a Salvador Dali painting or some of David Lynch’s best movies, trying to describe it can only leave the audience with a pale shell of the actual experience.

I have not had a lot of time this week to focus on what to do with all of this unconscious creative activity as all the boxes are being checked off on my to-do list are getting done. I have to remain focused on niggling details and my job has been mostly full days lately, so I have to do all the extra tasks around work hours. There is not much time to dedicate to parsing dream imagery to figure out exactly what my unconscious mind is trying to tell me.

It is Saturday so I have little room to look around at my past week. As the dust settles from all the phone calls and moving things about and arranging, I find that the dreams of this last week have melded into a feeling of hopeful dread. There is an image of dark skies and torrential rain in a tropical Asian country as I look out of a bamboo-framed window. A naked woman falls on top of me as I am having a conversation at a boring party, sending me sprawling, and as I recover I realize that it is the woman I was talking to and we have known each other for years and have lived together (not in my waking life). These dreams have the feeling of lasting years or containing years’ worth of memories crammed into a few images as if I have been living a different life each night, but when I wake up I only have one or two vivid scenes from each.

I am only moving about 10 miles away from my present location into another apartment, but I have a feeling of coming out of a long sleep and my dreams seem like future real-life remembered. Somewhere in between seems like where I will find whatever is in store for me. It has been so long since I have done anything but little jabs at creative work. Like the Fool, I feel I am at the end and beginning of a life that keeps me spinning in circles. Time to reboot and refresh and take off into the dream that is born out of where I have been combined with expanding ideas of who I am and how I interact with the world. Without changing a lot I feel I am moving into an undiscovered country of possibilities for experiential and creative exploration.

Posted in Abstraction, All part of the process, change, Chaos and Order, discovery and recovery, Dreamtime, Fools Journey, House and home, imagination and reality, internal landscape, make your own world, mindworks, my life, my mystic toolbox, paying attention, Self-Experiments, the end is the beginning, thinking in words, visions from the dark side, Works in Progress | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment